Look into my Eyes

When you are out in the real world, in the grocery store, walking down the street, driving around in your car, or at work, how often do you look other people in the eyes?  Eye contact, or lack thereof, is an important non-verbal communication tool.  The message given by eye contact varies in different cultures, for instance in Japan children are taught to look at a person's neck or tie region as a sign of respect, whereas in the Western culture children are told to "look at me when I'm speaking to you!"  I personally grew up as a person who preferred not to look anyone in the eyes.  I avoided eye contact as much as possible and this helped me fade into the background since I was so shy.  Because of this I have always been very conscious of the effects that making direct eye contact has.

What's Taylor trying to tell you?

For example:
As a child I knew that if I didn't look at my teacher, they were less likely to call on me.  It conveyed the message that either I wasn't paying attention or that I didn't want to talk.  If I knew the answer and wanted to be called on (almost never) I would look at my teacher in the eyes and hope to get their attention (I was not a hand raiser).
What I learned:
Looking someone in they eye conveys the message that a conversation is welcome.  Avoiding eye contact conveys the message that you would prefer not to engage.

As a child, when I had a crush on a boy, the most intense feeling in the world came over me when they looked me directly in the eyes.  It was a combination of pure terror and hope.  It was an invitation to talk to me.  On the other hand, because eye contact meant an invitation to engage in conversation or activity and I didn't know what to do when that happened, I was so shy and terrified of boys that I avoided their eye contact like the plague.  Needless to say, my relationships were non-existent until high school.
What I learned:
This probably isn't a surprise to a lot of women, but eye contact is a huge flirting tool.  A quick internet search pulled up this whole article on 10 Subtle Eye Contact Flirting Moves That Work.  And I can almost guarantee that Kitty Cavalier would have some heart stopping seduction tips just using eye contact.

As a child, I was told not to stare when someone had a handicap.  I was told that it was rude to stare when someone was different than me.  Unfortunately, because I was very good at doing what I was told and not very good at figuring out that some adults don't know what they're talking about, I learned to be afraid to look at anyone who had something different.  I thought I was being respectful by ignoring blemishes and skin color and casts and crutches.  I went so far as to not talk to them at all and because of this I missed out on a lot of possible relationships.
What I learned:
Avoiding eye contact conveys the message that you don't want to engage.  Ultimately, what I was doing was telling anyone different than me that I was not interested in engaging in conversation.  Luckily as I grew up I began to discover that people with blemishes, different skin color, casts, and crutches don't want to be ignored.  People love to talk about themselves.  But above all we need to know that we are seen.  That we are noticed.  I was telling them non-verbally that I didn't want to be friends!  That I was too good for them!  That's horrifying to me!  Nowadays, I don't look away when I pass someone in a wheel chair, when I pass by a homeless man on the street, when a woman walks by with shaved hair, or any other situation that I would have been told as a child not to stare.  I look directly into their eyes, and give a smile or nod.  Sometimes I get an avoidance reaction, but more often than not I get a surprised grin back.  Especially when it's a child.  Children glow when they are noticed.

After the Sandy Hook tragedy in December 2012, I wrote a blog about reconnecting with the world.  I wanted to revisit this because I think it is so important in this day and age, when children spend 80% of their time connected to technology instead of people.  It is a lonely day when people walk by you without looking at you.  It makes you feel invisible.  It doesn't matter how many "likes" you get on Facebook when the real people in your life don't know how to give you attention.

I started a challenge on that blog that I have continued into the New Year.  I have been very aware of my eye contact.  I make an effort every day now to make sure that I look somebody in the eyes, who before I might have avoided.  When I walk my dogs around my neighborhood I get a lot of chances to experiment.  My favorite reactions are from the elderly carrying their groceries or walking their dogs.  Especially the older gentlemen.  A look in the eyes combined with a big smile from a lady is obviously a great boost to their day.  I don't care how disgruntled I may look in the morning, how messed up my hair is, how dumpy my pajama outfit is, I get huge grins back.

It is also hugely rewarding to give children a big smile.  Sometimes they look at you confused, like, who is this stranger?  But often I get these enormous grins.  Kids faces light up.  They run up to me and want to tell me about their day, pet my dogs and show me their sparkly new shoes.  There is a joy that beams out of them, that they have been seen!  I usually take this opportunity to tell the kids to check in with their parents before coming to talk to me, and voila!  This child has just had a really important learning experience.  We need to all pay attention to the children, so that they aren't so easily confused by people who mean them harm.

So to sum it all up, we should all be giving each other more eye contact.  Don't be afraid to experiment.  Look at that person you are sharing the elevator with.  Look at your grocery store cashier.  Smile big at your waitress.  Give a nod to the library security guard.  Give that older gentleman who always looks so grouchy a lovely grin.  And for the people in your life that you love, seriously look them in the eyes.  If you're really close, grab their head, pull them nose to nose and don't look away.  They deserve your attention.  What you do after that is up to you, hugs and kisses are highly recommended.

Do you feel like eye contact is important?  Are you a person that avoids or do you create connections across the land?  Would love to hear your answers in the comments section!