I don't care! I love it! I don't care!

"I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs
I crashed my car into the bridge

I don't care, I love it, I don't care

You're on a different road, I'm in the milky way
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space
You're so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch
You're from the 70's, but I'm a 90's bitch

I love it, I love it"

I was listening to this song performed by Icona Pop on the radio this morning.  I'm not sure exactly what the lyrics are meant to describe, but it brought me back to when I was a kid, and truly having that feeling of "I love it, I don't care!"  As I said in a previous blog, I was a very shy child.  One of the reactions to this blog that stood out to me was from a classmate in elementary school who remembered me as being very outgoing.  And yes, I remember very well that insanely energetic, do-anything side to me.  Looking back I recognize that there were very few people in the world that I trusted.  And when I was with those people: my family, and a few girl friends in elementary school and a fluctuating, random group of kids in high school, I really let loose.  All those emotions that I stifled during the day when I didn't know how to talk to boys and worried about what other kids thought about my snaggle tooth and my hair and what words I uttered, would flood out of me.  I thank god for those people who held a space for me to do the ridiculous.  If you're reading this, you know who you are.  Usually it was in the safety of physical activities, since I had a bit more confidence in those areas.  Riding bikes out to go fishing in the creek, building by hand a rock bridge through a pond-turned-mud-pit that kept sucking our rocks to the bottom, crossing the Esopus on a random afternoon, fire pits in the woods, kickball, and dodge ball.  In high school it also included those special places that we would go to talk.  The GW Diner, the Traffic Circle, The Moose and the Cave were sacred spots where I was able to be silly and philosophical and joke with friends.  

I wonder at what point as we become adults, get "real jobs," and accumulate responsibility did we decide that we are no longer allowed to play like this?  If it saved my life when I was younger, can it be all that bad?  Who talks us out of it?  Is it us?  Is it our parents, society?  For a few years I lost it totally.  Lacrosse became a responsibility instead of a hobby and I quit.  Running was no longer fun.  Going out drinking with girlfriends was the most common activity and that was fun, but how can that ever compare to this:

Taking a Break on Olomana's First Peak

Over the past couple of years I've slowly been building back my ability to let loose.  Hiking and paddling with some of the most amazing women I've ever met, again saved my life.  In the beginning I felt so, so guilty for spending time doing things I loved.  I loved it and I made excuses not to go.  Something felt so wrong about spending time doing anything that didn't advance my career, my schooling or my relationship.  And exercise isn't fun, right?

Well, it turns out that's all bullshit.  If playing around with friends isn't at or near the top of your priority list, you need to get it back up there, stat.  I've learned a few things about play (or what I like to call Fucking Around) and no, I will not be adding any research to back this up right now.  I can send you to read Mark Sisson's blog.  He is maybe the smartest man in the world, and he thinks play is good.

1. Play makes me happy.  This might seem pretty basic, but have you really thought about the benefits of this?  You've probably heard the saying "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  This is a fact.  So, you go out and have a blast.  You come home with a big grin on your face.  All other members of the household see your smile and they smile.  Happiness has spread.  World peace is ours.

2. Endorphins.  I've heard these are great for us.  Endorphins are those neurotransmitters that make us feel good.  It's what we're trying to copy with anti-depressants.  So playing around is like taking drugs.  But natural.  The government doesn't even regulate how many times you can dance or hike a day.  Go for it, binge on those endorphins, you'll feel really groovy, man.

3. When we play with others, we create amazing friendships.  I have made the most lasting friendships with those people that went out and did stuff with me.  It's hard to be shy with someone who has had to push you up over a steep rock by pushing you on your ass.  It's much easier to strike up a conversation with someone who you has joined you in throwing everything not nailed down, including the picnic table, into the bonfire you've built.  Some of the best talks I've ever had have been on really tough hikes at that point when you are so freaking tired, but you're not even halfway there.  So you start gabbing to distract yourself from your discomfort.  Anything goes at times like these.  And you're too tired to really monitor what comes out.  And so you're actually honest.  And now these people know everything about you, and it turns out that's pretty cool.

4. Play gets your mind moving.  Somebody's researched it and discovered that play during childhood isn't just for fun.  It's how you learn all kinds of things.  Using your imagination to solve problems like how to avoid the lava.  Working together with others to get across the moat.  Pretending you are an astronaut or a hero or a dragon.  How to avoid being "it."  Strategizing how to win.  What to do if someone falls and scrapes a knee.  How to stand up to someone.  You have to really drum up some brain matter to make this work.  Play makes you think and also makes you better at all things.

5. You'll learn to respect your time and self-care.  This one took me some time to figure out.  My time is important.  I am important.  When I get out and do something fun, I am acknowledging the fact that I am valuable.  I care about my friends and family, but I care about myself too.  Maybe that sounds a little woo-woo, but the truth is, you can't give to anyone if your bucket is empty.  When you don't take care of yourself you get sick, depressed, and nasty.  You don't have the energy to help anyone else.  Before I learned to eat better, and had just started to get out and do fun things with friends, the fog began to clear from my brain.  And I saw that I was caring for everyone buy myself.  (Beer and chocolate in isolation do not count as self-care, they only count in conjunction with other loving acts of kindness towards yourself.)  

You don't have to listen to me.  I'm just a shy, outgoing child grown into a wacky, outgoing adult.  But I have figured out how to enjoy my life.  Not just the weekends, but every single day.  There's times when I get anxious, terrified, angry and sad.  But I know what to do and where to go to get my life back on track.  If you do nothing else to take care of yourself, eat like hell, smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, but get out there and do something that will make you smile.  It might save your life.

Drugs and Spirituality

So the other night I was drinking a Guinness my husband got me for St Patrick's Day weekend and watching Oprah's Supersoul Sunday, and Oprah was interviewing Debbie Ford.  Debbie was speaking about a point in her life when she first saw God, back when she was in a treatment facility.  Oprah then asked her whether she had had this spiritual awakening while on drugs, or while off of drugs.  What a great question!
This episode got me thinking, since I was watching Debbie Ford while drinking beer.  It got me thinking about why we drink or do drugs at all. What is the draw?  We know all of the possible negative side effects.  We've lived through the poor decisions made while drunk or high and we've survived the hangovers the next day.  So why would we ever do it more than once?  Why isn't it an obvious lesson learned the first time around?

Obviously, alcohol and drug addiction is a complicated topic that can't all be addressed in one blog post.  There is the physical addiction side, which I am not delving into at all.  What I propose to talk about here is only a slight aspect of a much bigger conversation, but one that I found intriguing to consider.

Did your spiritual experience happen while you were on drugs or while you were recovering?  We hear so many stories from those leaders who had a spiritual awakening when they hit their "rock bottom" and decided to live a different kind of life.  But, many people have had spiritual experiences while drinking or doing drugs.  And the intriguing thought for me was that, maybe, in the beginning, this is why someone would gravitate towards mind-altering activities.  I doubt very much this is a mindful decision, "Hmm, maybe if I snort some cocaine, I will find God..."  That's not what I'm saying.  But there is always something we are looking for before trying something new.  Social acceptance, a distraction from how we currently feel, relaxation, or energy, for example.  We just don't know what it is we are looking for.  And so very sane and reasonable people try some very out of the box behaviors.

When you have your first beer, drink, toke, snort, shot, and I don't know the lingo for what else, the theory that I am exploring is, that maybe you are able to, in that moment, relax enough to tune in to the present moment.  To shut your ego down.  To stop comparing yourself to others and believe that you are of value.  To see how all things in the world are connected.  To believe that everything that happens to you has a reason and a lesson and for a moment we can be grateful for what we have now.  For that moment, the quality of the chair your sitting in and the decorations of your location aren't important.  It's enough that you are alive and being provided for.  That first drink helps you get in touch with and see your attractive, witty, and intelligent side.  The beauty is that the drinks and drugs don't make you a better person, a more introspective person, a more outgoing person, but they block your ego and for just a little while you can be in touch with your true nature, your purpose and your inner guide.  In the beginning, maybe it helps you see God, because your barriers are down and you allow yourself to trust and have faith.

All of these feelings, which are wonderful and breathtaking and worthy of wanting to feel again, unfortunately don't last long with drugs and alcohol.  Unfortunately, I believe that so many people stumble upon these feelings accidentally and then falsely attribute the drugs or alcohol with the responsibility of getting you there.  There is a false belief that it is the only way to feel that good, or maybe just the easiest and fastest way.  But studies and history reveal that although in the beginning drugs and alcohol might feel good, they soon overtake your life.  The second, third and fourth drink don't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  Another shot of heroine or snort of cocaine doesn't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  And over time the drugs and alcohol don't bring you that feeling at all.  You go through your day in a depressed fog looking for the drugs and alcohol to bring you to some semblance of normal, or at least not like complete shit, but not closer to God.  Because you didn't know that's what you were looking for in the first place.

Many things in life start for one reason, but continue for another.  Recovery is a complex and individual path.  I'm not suggesting that becoming spiritual is a direct and easy path to healing yourself from a life of drugs and alcohol (I believe it is a part of the journey, however).  I am simply looking at one piece of this issue, which has more to do with preventing others from getting there in the first place.

Is this a crazy thought that we are all looking for our spiritual path, we just don't realize it?  Maybe.  I do think that we have a responsibility to teach our children that there are a million ways to feel good.  We have a responsibility to show them that there are healthy ways to feel strong, confident, witty, connected, smart, and in tune with their inner self.  It's not about praising kids for everything they do, or keeping them from ever failing or making a mistake.  It's about showing them how exciting life is in the day to day.  How awesome it feels to hang upside down from the jungle gym.  How wonderful it can feel to share something with a friend.  How moving your body through playing games, and sports and even just in spinning in circles or running through mud can bring you joy.  Then, maybe when they are teenagers (hopefully not middle schoolers, but come on people, you know our kids are growing up fast) when they do try that cigarette, that joint or that wine cooler at a party, they will recognize the feeling for what it is.  And they will know that they can just as easily get that high from sitting in silence, reading a good book, or playing a game.

Your thoughts?  Would love to hear them.