Drugs and Spirituality

So the other night I was drinking a Guinness my husband got me for St Patrick's Day weekend and watching Oprah's Supersoul Sunday, and Oprah was interviewing Debbie Ford.  Debbie was speaking about a point in her life when she first saw God, back when she was in a treatment facility.  Oprah then asked her whether she had had this spiritual awakening while on drugs, or while off of drugs.  What a great question!
This episode got me thinking, since I was watching Debbie Ford while drinking beer.  It got me thinking about why we drink or do drugs at all. What is the draw?  We know all of the possible negative side effects.  We've lived through the poor decisions made while drunk or high and we've survived the hangovers the next day.  So why would we ever do it more than once?  Why isn't it an obvious lesson learned the first time around?

Obviously, alcohol and drug addiction is a complicated topic that can't all be addressed in one blog post.  There is the physical addiction side, which I am not delving into at all.  What I propose to talk about here is only a slight aspect of a much bigger conversation, but one that I found intriguing to consider.

Did your spiritual experience happen while you were on drugs or while you were recovering?  We hear so many stories from those leaders who had a spiritual awakening when they hit their "rock bottom" and decided to live a different kind of life.  But, many people have had spiritual experiences while drinking or doing drugs.  And the intriguing thought for me was that, maybe, in the beginning, this is why someone would gravitate towards mind-altering activities.  I doubt very much this is a mindful decision, "Hmm, maybe if I snort some cocaine, I will find God..."  That's not what I'm saying.  But there is always something we are looking for before trying something new.  Social acceptance, a distraction from how we currently feel, relaxation, or energy, for example.  We just don't know what it is we are looking for.  And so very sane and reasonable people try some very out of the box behaviors.

When you have your first beer, drink, toke, snort, shot, and I don't know the lingo for what else, the theory that I am exploring is, that maybe you are able to, in that moment, relax enough to tune in to the present moment.  To shut your ego down.  To stop comparing yourself to others and believe that you are of value.  To see how all things in the world are connected.  To believe that everything that happens to you has a reason and a lesson and for a moment we can be grateful for what we have now.  For that moment, the quality of the chair your sitting in and the decorations of your location aren't important.  It's enough that you are alive and being provided for.  That first drink helps you get in touch with and see your attractive, witty, and intelligent side.  The beauty is that the drinks and drugs don't make you a better person, a more introspective person, a more outgoing person, but they block your ego and for just a little while you can be in touch with your true nature, your purpose and your inner guide.  In the beginning, maybe it helps you see God, because your barriers are down and you allow yourself to trust and have faith.

All of these feelings, which are wonderful and breathtaking and worthy of wanting to feel again, unfortunately don't last long with drugs and alcohol.  Unfortunately, I believe that so many people stumble upon these feelings accidentally and then falsely attribute the drugs or alcohol with the responsibility of getting you there.  There is a false belief that it is the only way to feel that good, or maybe just the easiest and fastest way.  But studies and history reveal that although in the beginning drugs and alcohol might feel good, they soon overtake your life.  The second, third and fourth drink don't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  Another shot of heroine or snort of cocaine doesn't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  And over time the drugs and alcohol don't bring you that feeling at all.  You go through your day in a depressed fog looking for the drugs and alcohol to bring you to some semblance of normal, or at least not like complete shit, but not closer to God.  Because you didn't know that's what you were looking for in the first place.

Many things in life start for one reason, but continue for another.  Recovery is a complex and individual path.  I'm not suggesting that becoming spiritual is a direct and easy path to healing yourself from a life of drugs and alcohol (I believe it is a part of the journey, however).  I am simply looking at one piece of this issue, which has more to do with preventing others from getting there in the first place.

Is this a crazy thought that we are all looking for our spiritual path, we just don't realize it?  Maybe.  I do think that we have a responsibility to teach our children that there are a million ways to feel good.  We have a responsibility to show them that there are healthy ways to feel strong, confident, witty, connected, smart, and in tune with their inner self.  It's not about praising kids for everything they do, or keeping them from ever failing or making a mistake.  It's about showing them how exciting life is in the day to day.  How awesome it feels to hang upside down from the jungle gym.  How wonderful it can feel to share something with a friend.  How moving your body through playing games, and sports and even just in spinning in circles or running through mud can bring you joy.  Then, maybe when they are teenagers (hopefully not middle schoolers, but come on people, you know our kids are growing up fast) when they do try that cigarette, that joint or that wine cooler at a party, they will recognize the feeling for what it is.  And they will know that they can just as easily get that high from sitting in silence, reading a good book, or playing a game.

Your thoughts?  Would love to hear them.

Can You Live the Life of Your Dreams?

Getting what we want out of life.  Is this even a possibility?  I didn't use to believe so.  I used to think that you just get a job, work all week, enjoy your life on the evenings, weekends and on vacation.  I used to think that life was hard and you only got to enjoy it sometimes, when you planned out some fun with friends.  I would just barely eke through the school day to get to volleyball, basketball, track, softball or theater practice and then I would get through that so I could go home and do homework and watch tv or pass out.  We were most certainly discouraged from laughing and enjoying ourselves in class and shouted at for being too loud in the hallways in between.  I took those habits with me to college.  Work hard all day in class, then work at job, then go home and study, watch tv or pass out.  Party hard on Thursdays (Ladies Night!  All you can drink until midnight!) and of course all Friday and Saturday nights.  You wound yourself up so tight all week long that when it was time to unwind things got a little, let's just say, out of hand.
Fast forward to going to school for my Master's degree and working at "real" jobs for another 10 years, in Hawaii for Pete's sake, and I was still only enjoying my life on the weekends.  We got two dogs, moved to the most beautiful beach in the world, got married and worked all week to earn too little money to go to the beach for a few hours on the weekends.

My Babies!!

A few years ago I went through one of those "perfect storm" times in my life.  We all go through them, sometimes more than once.  I was lucky that mine wasn't too devastating, although it felt like it at the time.  All in the span of a few months, we found out we owed 4000 dollars on our taxes, our dog hurt his leg and we had to have expensive surgery if we wanted to fix it (our dog is our baby), Hawaii furloughed all State Employees (that's me!) and our mortgage insurance rate was due to go up in July.  I was super depressed, but I didn't realize it.  I was trying to "eat healthy" which mostly included counting calories because I was a bit overweight at the same time, and this was leaving me hungry and cranky.
I caved in and went to see a therapist.  It was one of the bravest and best moves of my life.  The poor guy was new to being a therapist, I think.  I went to go talk to him and I was all held together, and then I just started bawling.  He didn't have to say much of anything.  It was a starting point for me.  I had decided that I didn't want to live the way I was any more.
Fast forward again, to the year 2013.  I am 50 pounds lighter and a bazillion times happier.  I still work at my "real" job, but I have my license for Marriage and Family Therapy within my sights.  I have a group of amazing friends that take care of me and my amazing husband has been by my side through it all, through the ups and downs.

So who cares about all of the above?  The question that I am trying to answer, the theory that I am testing out is that you can live, not just a good life, but the life of your dreams.  So, it's great that I'll have my license soon and I can enjoy most days.  But what I really want is to love my job.  I want to be a life coach and a therapist and run a retreat center.  I want my family and friends to all live close to me.  I want to have an abundant amount of money and be able to fly around the world with my husband and dogs and maybe someday children.  I want there to be a farm nearby where animals are raised ethically and butchered humanely so I can feel good about my food choices.  I want to run retreats and speak publically and teach and coach.  I want to have unlimited choices in workouts and not have to worry about how much it costs.  I will do muay thai kickboxing and crossfit and gymnastics and dance.  I will feel Powerful, Clear, Connected, Energized, Supported and Free every day.

Is this possible?  For the first time in my life, I think it is.  I feel that it is.  The experiment is underway.  I will keep my sights on what I want and live joyfully in the present moment.  I will find a balance in my day to day life and I will move towards that dream life.  And I will prove that it is possible.  Are you excited?  I sure am.  Hope you join me.  What's your dream?

May Cause Miracles, My 40 Day Journey

My 2013 has so far been pretty great.  I have been eating food that I know is good for my body.  I have been following my intuition when making decisions.  I have been more honest with everyone including myself.  These were all resolutions of mine, objectives really, under the main goal- to be more spiritual this year.  The one objective that I have been having some difficulty with is that I would like to meditate more.  On one hand I have been more present in each moment, and have been doing "mini-meditations," a few minutes here and there to be silent and aware of my surroundings.  What I really would like to incorporate is a more consistent meditation on a regular basis.  A for real 10-20 minutes of time on a meditation pillow in my meditation spot. The roadblocks to my meditation are definitely mental.  I think, "20 minutes!  That's a long time!"  I think, "I hate sitting still!" I think, "My husband will think I'm dumb!"  These are all silly.  I just spent 20 minutes on Facebook reading posts from people I haven't spoken to in 15 years and who I wasn't actually friends with in the first place.  I can find 20 minutes.  I don't actually hate sitting still.  I actually love meditating when I sit my ass down to do it, on the meditation pillow I made for that very purpose.  My husband does not think I'm dumb when I meditate, in fact, he encourages it.  I have a pillow, an extra bedroom that is messy but has a clear middle area where I have meditated before and I even have a little tray that I put together a while ago complete with a candle, some incense, mala beads, rosary beads and some pretty rocks.  It's like a mobile altar.  So what's holding me back?  Good question.

Recently a friend posted in one of my favorite Facebook groups about joining a book club for the new book by one of our favorite authors, Gabrielle Bernstein.  It's called May Cause Miracles.  It literally just became available to the public.  It's a 40 day guidebook written by a meditation guru.  Hmmm, definitely a sign.  So I ordered one for myself and one for my sister so she can join the book club that I created for this very purpose.  I'm hoping others will join us. (If you're reading this, feel free to join us!  Here's the link!)  We will begin the 40 days this coming Sunday, January 27, since Gabby suggests that you start on a Sunday.  

So far I have read the introduction.  My favorite quote so far is "Simply put, every time you choose love over fear is a miracle."  I love this definition of miracle because it simplifies it and makes it accessible to everyone, all religions including atheist.  In my last blog post, Religion is Just a Language, I talk about how the words we choose to describe our spirituality can sometimes create barriers and this definition serves to include us all.

Since we are starting our 40 day journey next Sunday this week is for preparation.  I will locate my meditation pillow and make it accessible.  I will figure out when to set my alarm to give myself enough time for meditation before work.  I will set aside some time at night to meditate.  I will go through my traveling altar and make sure everything is there and that I have matches or a lighter and my timer.  I should dust off my journal that I haven't written in since December 23, 2012.  (I just located it and opened it to see when the last time was.)  And last of all, I am going to read the "Week 1" intro to prepare for Sunday.

Join me if you'd like, I think it is going to be a blast!  

Chapter 2013, Page 1 of 365

I saw this picture on Facebook.  I can't take credit, but I don't know who to give credit to either.  If this is yours, let me know so I can give you your dues!

While perusing Facebook I saw this picture on a friends page and it called to me.  I wish I could give the artist credit, but I don't know where it came from.  Anyway, the caption, "Chapter 2013, Page 1 of 365..." perfectly describes how I am feeling about this New Year.  Today is an opportunity for many to make changes in their lives, it is a symbolic turning of a new page, a new chapter.  The rest is still all there, the previous chapters are a foundation on which this new one is built, but anything can happen!
Today is New Year's Day.  I began my celebration last night by continuing a family ritual of hiding a silver dollar (a quarter for us) outside to be found the next day.  I'm still working on getting the explanation of why we did that, I can't remember, but we did it anyway.  The quarters are now safely tucked away, the first of many to be saved in the coming years.  We did our best to stay up until midnight, I continued reading the Tao Te Ching, and my husband watched TV until we both fell asleep at about 9:30pm.  Oh well, we're not night owls.  We woke up for the fireworks at midnight, calmed down my dog, who hates them with a passion and went back to sleep.  This morning I continued the celebration with a massive breakfast of bacon and eggs.  I read some more of the Tao Te Ching and went to a workout class at noon.  It was intense, anyone who does Crossfit will know what I mean when I say we did Fran.  For everyone else, I lifted weights and did tons of pullups in a sprint, go as fast as you can workout, and finished in 5:47.  Then walked outside to calm down my stomach and hold my arms which were vibrating and inoperable.  After my body regained it's abilities I went home and took a bath.  If me talking about taking a bath is tmi for some of you more squeamish folks, skip to the next paragraph. Kitty Cavalier's New Year Seduction Ritual kickstarted the idea.  I gathered epsom salt, candles, scented oil, and a stone found on one of my hikes.  I stated my intentions before adding each ingredient and soaked for a while.  My body definitely thanked me.  I love to meditate in the bathtub.
Today's meditation was brought on by something Kyle Cease calls Kylego.  I can't find his explanation of it, he does a lot of his work via video, but basically he was talking about how he prepared for a comedy show he was about to do by pretending that it was already over and that it was amazing.  He had a dialogue about how fabulous the show was, the reaction of the audience and the positive reviews it was getting.  So my meditation used that general idea.  I pretended that it was New Year's Day 2014 and I was taking a bath and reviewing how amazing 2013 was.  I went through some of the events I know I have coming up.  I was thinking about how nervous I was for the first "Lunch and Learn" class I did at the Y and how much more comfortable I had become with practice over the next couple of months.  I thought about the new job with the ginormous salary I got in March that gave me a lot of freedom to schedule my day and do more that I wanted to be doing.  And how that allowed me to really get into my private practice that I started after I passed the MFT exam (with flying colors, by the way.)  I thought about how cool it was that I got to go to Amanda's wedding as well as Jeremy's because I had made so much more money and it wasn't as big of a deal to fly back and forth to the mainland anymore.
Not only did this exercise give me a sense of calm and satisfaction, but it brought up little flashes of insight along the way.  Just a quick example is that I could totally see myself just finishing this stellar talk that uplifted my audience.  They were so excited that they wanted to grab my business card so they could check me out online and see what else I was doing that they could be a part of.  Guess I should make sure I have business cards, right?  How else will they be able to find me?
This was a very insightful exercise and I encourage you to try it.  It sounds weird, but it's super useful.  What did you do to celebrate the first day in the next chapter of your life?

Facing Forward in 2013

New Year's Eve December 31, 2011

It's December 27 and we've been creeping closer and closer to the New Year.  I survived the December 21 apocalypse and the Christmas holiday without a scratch.  This year has been a wild ride.  Many changes have happened in my life and I feel like 2013 will be a continuation of this trend.  It has been a year of spiritual growth.  I went through many events that could have thrown me off kilter, but I feel like I have become more grounded, more "calm and centered" as my friend Keysa would say.  The overarching theme for the year of 2012 was my devouring of books, blogs, and webinars by life coaches, spiritual leaders, philosphers, wayfinders, team members and healers such as Martha Beck, Kyle Cease, Regena Thomashaur, Kitty Cavalier, Byron Katie, Oprah, Tama Kieves, Lissa Rankin, Amy Ahlers, Lisa Nichols, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and Iyanla Vanzant.  I feel like 2012 was a year of focusing on my life's purpose and my calling in life.  I have become more clear on who I am and how I want to be in this life.  It has been a year of recognizing that it's not what happens to us, in fact our circumstances have nothing at all to do with the kind of life we have.  Instead it is our reaction, what story we choose to believe about it, how we react and how we choose to feel about the event.
2012 in review:

My Sister and I Smize

My 2012 began with a bang because my little sister, Anna, still lived with me.  She brought some energy and change into my life when she moved in with my husband and I in November 2011 and her energy and spirit were drove me full speed ahead into the new year.  We hiked and danced and fruit ninja ed and ate and dressed up and took the doggies for long walks.  Nathan even started the new year off with a couple of hikes with us.  January I also joined Crossfit Kailua and the amount of strength that I have gained over the year with the encouragement of my workout buddy Keysa (and Anna before she left), and my coaches is quite impressive, since I only workout twice a week with supplemental weekend hikes.  I started a paleo challenge in March and actually won 2nd place.  And Keysa won 3rd!  Awesome.

But in the spring time Anna moved away.  Sadness!  Seriously, very sad.  She moved on to South Carolina, but I'm hoping she hates it so much she'll move back here for a while.  We'll see.

At some point I began to watch reruns of Oprah's Lifeclass.  Those are life changers, holy moly!  Seriously, I began to have some major moments of clarity and some momentous gaining of perspective over my life.  It sent me scrambling for books and blogs by her guests starting with Iyanla Vanzant, who I love.  The perspective I gained from these classes I think helped me through starting at a new location at my job.  It was a tough transition, the culture of the school is very different than what I was used to.  It was difficult to manage the micromanagement, but I was able to stay calm without dissolving into tears.  I was able to step back and think before I agreed (or disagreed) to any commands given.

Hiking with my Best Friends

In October I took a life changing class called "Finding Your Calling" with Lissa Rankin, Martha Beck and Amy Ahlers.  It was the first time I have ever paid for a class by a "life coach."  It was amazing, intense and life-altering.  Did I mention it changed my life?  I became a part of an inspiring group of healers and entrepreneurs that I continue to keep in touch with.  A bazillion brilliant statements were made during these classes and I keep learning more and more as I go back and listen to the recordings.  The main thing is that I began to believe in myself.  Not the type of excitement that amps you up while the infomercial is playing but fades when it's over.  They kind that you feel in your bones, your gut, your heart.  I began to see and hear and feel what I want out of life.  Not the superficial things.  What I really want.  How I want to feel day to day, what kind of changes I want to make in the world.  What I want my legacy to be, what I want written on my tombstone.  The real stuff.  How I want you to remember me.  Ooh, it gives me chills all over again just thinking about it.

Sullivan Christmas Group Hug

So from this class I've had some real perspective shifts.  When I got pulled over speeding on H3, I totally got to enjoy the whole thing.  I got to look the police officer in the eye and thank him for doing his job.  I got to live through bouncing multiple checks all at the same time due to a mistake I made, and take a deep breath and not freak out.  And it was okay.  I paid some late fees.  The world did not end.  My dog got pancreatitis and lay next to me shivering, wanting me to fix his pain.  I didn't freak out.  I held him, I took him to the vet.  I got him his meds.  And I got to stay calm and help him instead of being anxious and scared and angry.  And yesterday, when my dear friend's cat died I didn't run away.  I was freaked out, but I stayed with him while he took his last breath and talked to my friend and brushed him with his favorite brush.  It was the saddest thing I've ever witnessed, he was a great cat, an old cat and he helped my friend through some really hard times.  But I didn't run away and hide, and I didn't freak out.  I stayed with him and tried to stay calm so it would be easier on him.

Warrior Dash, 2012

During the "Finding Your Calling" class Martha Beck walked us through a guided meditation that has helped me immensely in times like this.  You start out standing in a hurricane, watching the wind and waves and destruction happen.  Then you become just a speck of consciousness, a being that can watch, hear and sense the destruction but not be affected by it.  The wind and waves and rain go through you and you are untouched.  Then you drop down a rope into the ocean and you follow it down into the churning waves, and deeper, deeper and the water gets calmer and quieter as you go down.  All the way to the bottom where it is silent, so quiet that whales communicate to each other across miles at this depth.  And here you anchor your rope.  Your consciousness is still above water in the intense energy that is a hurricane and at the same time you are anchored in this peaceful, calm depth of ocean.  At any time you can grab onto this rope to ground yourself, to remind yourself that there is a part of you that is always calm and peaceful.  I mentally grab onto this rope often.  It might be the lesson of the year for me.

Swamp Romp, 2012

Parkour!

Finally, this morning I read a chapter of The Fire Starter Sessions, by Danielle Laporte.  Session 5, Facing Forward.  It talks about being "stuck in the past and chronically complaining about our present."  It struck a chord for me as I look towards the New Year's celebration in a couple of days and I consider what my resolution should be.  And I think Facing Forward might be my theme for 2013.  To stop getting stuck in the past.  To tell my stories from a place of love, learning and humor.  And to spend most of my time facing the present, what I do have and how I can build on that.  What my current obstacles are and how I can get past them.  How I can live every day of this year striving to feel Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear and Free, my "Core Desired Feelings" (another Danielle Laporte concept).  Every day looking forward.

In the comments, please leave your thoughts on what your resolutions might be this coming year as well as adding any names of Spiritual and Life Leaders I may have missed in the above paragraphs.

Reconnect with the World

Another tragedy today, a 20 year old man takes the life of his mother, of 25 children and staff at a school and his own life.  When tragedies like this occur, it is so utterly confusing.  What do we do?  Often what we choose is to watch the news replay the story over and over, looking for ways that we can explain what happened.  Why that man?  Why that school?  Why, why, why?  We listen to experts rehash the story, draw out the situation, walk us through the scenario step by step.  They interview the families and friends and bystanders to get another viewpoint.  They begin to run out of ways to tell the story and they search for more experts to talk about how bad our schools are, how lonely our children, how this generation is worse than previous and then the gun law talks will begin.  The heated arguments about whether we should get the guns off the streets or whether we should give everyone guns.
And yet we haven't solved the problem have we?  This is the same story told many times before.  Different schools, different children, different families.  I am choosing to do something different this time.  I can't watch the news.  Something about watching the reporters rehash the story one more time makes me feel dirty.  Like I am feeding some kind of hunger that my ego has.  It feeds the worry.  It feeds the depression.  It feeds the voice that tells me over and over that there is not enough.  Never enough.  Not enough love, money, food, friends, stuff.  It tells me that the world is a scary, crazy, dangerous place.  That I should trust no one.  That I shouldn't leave my house.  That voice is wrong.
This time I choose to ignore that voice.  I choose to honor these children and the staff and their families by challenging myself to begin to make a positive change in the world.  There is enough.  There is enough love, money, food, friends, stuff.  There is more than enough for everyone, there is an overflowing abundance if we would just stop hoarding it.  If we could connect more with others and begin to rebuild trust.  To prove to all of us that that 20 year old man was wrong.  There is always a better option than causing death and destruction.  There is always another choice.  We need to show our families, our loved ones, our friends and most especially our children that we are not alone.  They need to see that there is always an open heart to turn to.  We are out here.  I am here.  You are not alone.

My challenge is to end 2012 with a practice in kindness.  The rules:
Every day from now until the December 31, you are to make a connection with someone new.  It could be someone new that you meet that day or it could be someone you have previously walked by without acknowledgement, like a neighbor, or a fellow employee.  Maybe the Starbucks barista.  All you have to do is look that person in the eyes, this is important, look them in the eyes and do your best to smile a smile that goes all the way to your eyes.  That can be enough, but to take it further, ask for their name.  And say it out loud.  Shake their hand if you're brave.  And report it back here or on Facebook.  It's such a small thing that you can do to begin to heal this world.  We have become so disconnected with each other, but that does not have to be permanent.  Let's start this together.
I am holding the children and families in my heart.  I am sending love and caring and kindness.  I cannot ease their pain today, but I can be there for someone else who is in need.