Living a Happy Life- It's not about luck.

As we come upon the end of the year and look forward to the next, the posts about how to improve your life are taking over social media.  And in response I've seen many posts about how annoying it is to have those posts pop up all over the place.  I enjoy reading both sides, the ones outlining activities and practices that lead to more positivity and those convinced that those people should just shut up.  What really entertains me is the comments at the end.  I am floored by the numbers of people who take the time to comment.  And it saddens me to see how many people are convinced that happiness and joy are out of reach.  I understand that these articles often come off with a Pollyanna vibe, like it's supposed to be easy.  "10 Easy Steps to Joy!"  And if you are currently in a depressive state, reading the easy fixes like, "Smile more!" might make you want to punch someone.    The truth of the matter is that Joy and Happiness are not easy to come by. Not at first.  Especially when you're out of practice.  The people writing these articles have usually taken years of practice to come by their current state of calm, peace or joy.  They didn't just "smile more" for a day and then BAM, HAPPINESS!  It is not easy, and it doesn't happen quickly.  But it CAN happen.  One of the first steps is to figure out if you even believe it's possible, despite your present circumstances in life.  You can be in exactly the same circumstances that you are in now and have a more peaceful, calm, even joyful state of mind.  Another thing to realize, is that being happy or joyful despite your circumstances does not mean that now you become a passive floater in life.  The people writing these articles are not simply running down the shore of the beach in the sun all day.  That might be a part of their day and all the power to them!  They take the time to have fun.  But they are also feeding their families, paying their bills, writing blog posts, putting their effort into the projects that they care about.  They work hard.  They do not simply lie on the bed all day with a big grin on their faces.
I know, because I'm one of those people who tend to write and share those positive posts.  I love to talk to people about how to live a more joyful life.  But the truth is, I didn't use to be this happy.  I used to be pretty miserable.  I went to my boring, stressful job, came home to my husband and dogs who I love very much, and made dinner and either worked out or worked on the computer and went to bed.  It wasn't a bad life.  If you had asked me then, I probably would have said I was pretty happy.  I enjoyed a lot of the things I was doing.  I was being paid well enough to continue to live in Hawaii, which is a beautiful place to be.  My husband took wonderful care of me and dogs give unconditional love, the best kind.  And yet, looking back, knowing how happy I am now, I see that I was "pretty happy" but also "pretty miserable" in probably equal amounts.  Good memories and moments of sadness, boredom, discontent.  And that feeling that I couldn't change it.
So I know.  I know what it's like to think to yourself that you should be happy because you have a great husband, family, dogs and for $#@$ sake you live in Hawaii.  I know what it's like to look at people with those beaming smiles and think they're faking it.  Believing that that level of happiness doesn't actually exist.  Believing that those people were trying to sell me something, their product, their website, something, and that when they were done convincing me how awesome it was, they were going to go home and collapse into an exhausted heap of human, spent after spending the day trying to keep up that level of deception.  I believed that it wasn't possible.
Seeing a therapist in 2010 was a big change for me.  I stopped trying to do things by myself.  And in that small act of asking for help from someone else, I became a little braver.  I decided that I didn't have much to lose by trying.  I decided to live an experimental life.  I decided to give it a shot and see if it was actually possible to enjoy the little things in life.  To see if, in fact, meditation works.  To test out whether or not those joy gurus were right.  I started to listen to "self-help" books and to experiment with prayer, yoga, meditation and mindfulness activities.  Even if I thought it was stupid at first.  In fact, when I started meditating, it was painful.  My mind raced, thinking of all of the more important activities I could be accomplishing, my legs hurt because I'm so inflexible, my back hurt because I don't like to sit up straight and they tell you you should.  Sometimes I would fall asleep, other times I would peek open my eyes to see how much time left I had on the clock.  But I gave it a shot.  I made a commitment to a week of meditation in the morning.  And slowly, in little tiny moments, I began to feel that inner peace.  Those moments of just being and nothing else.  Where all the pain in my body and all the painful thoughts were briefly not important.  In the beginning it was so short, but once you've felt that, you become a bit of an addict.  You want more.  And then I finally believed that those joy gurus could be right.  That feeling does exist.
At the same time I was exploring books on the subject.  If a book didn't interest me in the beginning, I stopped reading it.  I wasn't there to waste my time.  Over time I found a few people whose words touched me and hit a nerve.  Not everything they said was like that, but every once in a while there would be a statement that just zinged me from my head to my toes and landed in my heart.  And I knew, just knew it to be truth.  I felt it.  It was not logic, it was knowing.  It was similar to that feeling of just "being" during meditation.

Because I took the time to experiment, I allowed myself to be open to the possibility.  And I discovered it could be true.  And it took a long time.  A 10 minute meditation in the morning is long for me.  I still peek at the clock sometimes.  But there are times when I start to meditate and I drop into this wonderful state of calm and peace.  And I've come to a point where I can find that state during times of stress and frustration.  In traffic, in long lines at the supermarket, while one of the toddlers I work with is purposefully taking as long as physically possible to put his dish into the dish tray after lunch.  In these moments I can drop down into that feeling of relaxation.  And here's where I think we have led people astray.  Once I've reached that state, I don't just smile and say, "Oh, it's okay, do what you want" and pretend to smile blissfully.  I don't let people walk over me just because I'm able to stay calm.  Being peaceful and calm is not the same as being a push-over.  In those moments, though, I can clear my mind and think of something to keep me busy.  Instead of fuming about how slow the lady in front of me is, while she counts out 85 dollars worth of pennies and drops a handful on the floor, I can take a second to drop in the calm.  Then I can look around and see if there is a different line, I can see if the person behind me is friendly and wants to share a smile about the situation, or look at the cover of the Enquirer which is always entertaining.  And instead of being furious about the pennies on the floor, I can smile at the woman with arthritis, assist her in picking up pennies, and wish her happiness in her life.  The truth is, either way, the woman is going to pay her money for her groceries.  I can fume, I can help her, I can find another line.  When you are paying your mortgage bill, you can do it with a smile or a grimace, both cost the same.  When the child takes forever, you can make a calm decision about how to react.  Do I shout at him to hurry up?  Do I take the plate from him and do it myself?  Do I let him continue on so that a more important lesson of self-sufficiency is learned?  Can I use a gentle, but firm tone to remind him that we have something to do so going fast is important? mIs it more important to be fast or for him to do it himself?  I can decide in a calm state of mind instead of reacting in anger.
 So ask yourself a few questions.  Do you believe that happiness is possible?  Do you believe that being calm and peaceful would change you into a push over?  Do you think that once you accepted reality,  you would have no power to change it?  Leave your answers in the comments!
"Happiness is not circumstance." Marianne Williamson says this on an episode of SuperSoul Sunday.  And I truly believe this to be true.

Is Today an Okay Day to Die?

I know some of you may be thinking that I'm being a bit doom and gloom, or depressed, or you might be worried that I am going to do something rash, judging by the title.  However, it is totally the opposite.  Let me explain.

The other day I was on my way to a local coffee shop to study for my upcoming test.  On my way to the door, a disheviled man came out of the door and grabbed a backpack that had been sitting outside on the sidewalk.  I walked into the coffee shop and he walked away.  When I got to the counter inside, one of the ladies who had been sitting at a table outside the shop came in to tell the man at the counter that the bag had been claimed.  Apparently, the group had been concerned about the bag lying unattended and had reported it to the store.  With the recent bombings at the Boston Marathon, there have been several cases in Hawaii of stores and building being shut down as the police investigate unattended bags left lying around.  The guys at the counter laughed about it probably being a drug deal and everyone went on their way.  The guy is a bit of a regular, so no one was that concerned.  I got my latte and cracked open the books and forgot about it.

About an hour later, the same man came back inside, carrying two bags, including the one that had been earlier lying around unattended.  He went upstairs, and came back down without his bag.  He left the store.  Hmm.  Now, none of the group of ladies from the previous group was there.  The guy at the register didn't notice the guy come in.  I was the only one noticing this guy and of course, my mind started to go there.  Did this guy just leave some kind of explosive device upstairs?  I know that he's one of the regulars of Kailua, possibly homeless and on drugs, definitely wanders the street all of the time, I've seen him before.  Part of me knew that this was no big deal and yet a part of my mind started to wind up.  Images of explosions and screaming and running flashed really quickly through my brain.  I could feel a chill go through my body and I tensed up.  Even though I know it's not a terrorist attack, my brain is starting to take over and the anxiety is starting to set in.  This is where the question above came in handy.

This year I have been practicing daily how to be present in the moment.  At random intervals, especially when I am starting to get stressed out, I take a moment to really look around me and see what is reality.  What is going on, right now.  The practice brings an awesome sense of peace.  In that moment, in the coffee shop, I stopped thinking about explosions and looked around.  I was in a cute cafe with lots of studious people on their computers.  There was good music playing and my friend, Keysa, was sitting at the table with me, reading her own book.  It was peaceful and serene and pleasant.  And I thought to myself, since really we can die at any moment, for multitudes of reasons, would this be an okay way to die?  I was in a great place with a friend.  I was doing something enjoyable, preparing for a test that will help me further my career.  Everything was totally okay in that moment.  So, yes, it would have been an okay time and place to die.  The thought brought me a great deal of peace.  The tension in my body started to melt away.  I had another sip of coffee, and smiled at Keysa.  The man came back in the front door, went upstairs and grabbed his bag, ordered a cup of coffee, and grabbed a seat at a table.

The same man got up to grab a napkin near our table a few minutes later and we couldn't help but overhear as he repeated to himself, "I am a cat, I am a cat, I am a cat."  The man was totally harmless, not quite in his right mind, but no terrorist.  And I am so grateful that I didn't waste any more of my precious time on this earth spinning my mind and worrying that I was going to blow up.  It would have been a waste.  Even if there was a bomb in his bag that day, I would have wasted my last moments with fear.  I've always thought it would be so much better to go with a contented smile on my face.

What are your thoughts?  Is today an okay day to die?

I don't care! I love it! I don't care!

"I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs
I crashed my car into the bridge

I don't care, I love it, I don't care

You're on a different road, I'm in the milky way
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space
You're so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch
You're from the 70's, but I'm a 90's bitch

I love it, I love it"

I was listening to this song performed by Icona Pop on the radio this morning.  I'm not sure exactly what the lyrics are meant to describe, but it brought me back to when I was a kid, and truly having that feeling of "I love it, I don't care!"  As I said in a previous blog, I was a very shy child.  One of the reactions to this blog that stood out to me was from a classmate in elementary school who remembered me as being very outgoing.  And yes, I remember very well that insanely energetic, do-anything side to me.  Looking back I recognize that there were very few people in the world that I trusted.  And when I was with those people: my family, and a few girl friends in elementary school and a fluctuating, random group of kids in high school, I really let loose.  All those emotions that I stifled during the day when I didn't know how to talk to boys and worried about what other kids thought about my snaggle tooth and my hair and what words I uttered, would flood out of me.  I thank god for those people who held a space for me to do the ridiculous.  If you're reading this, you know who you are.  Usually it was in the safety of physical activities, since I had a bit more confidence in those areas.  Riding bikes out to go fishing in the creek, building by hand a rock bridge through a pond-turned-mud-pit that kept sucking our rocks to the bottom, crossing the Esopus on a random afternoon, fire pits in the woods, kickball, and dodge ball.  In high school it also included those special places that we would go to talk.  The GW Diner, the Traffic Circle, The Moose and the Cave were sacred spots where I was able to be silly and philosophical and joke with friends.  

I wonder at what point as we become adults, get "real jobs," and accumulate responsibility did we decide that we are no longer allowed to play like this?  If it saved my life when I was younger, can it be all that bad?  Who talks us out of it?  Is it us?  Is it our parents, society?  For a few years I lost it totally.  Lacrosse became a responsibility instead of a hobby and I quit.  Running was no longer fun.  Going out drinking with girlfriends was the most common activity and that was fun, but how can that ever compare to this:

Taking a Break on Olomana's First Peak

Over the past couple of years I've slowly been building back my ability to let loose.  Hiking and paddling with some of the most amazing women I've ever met, again saved my life.  In the beginning I felt so, so guilty for spending time doing things I loved.  I loved it and I made excuses not to go.  Something felt so wrong about spending time doing anything that didn't advance my career, my schooling or my relationship.  And exercise isn't fun, right?

Well, it turns out that's all bullshit.  If playing around with friends isn't at or near the top of your priority list, you need to get it back up there, stat.  I've learned a few things about play (or what I like to call Fucking Around) and no, I will not be adding any research to back this up right now.  I can send you to read Mark Sisson's blog.  He is maybe the smartest man in the world, and he thinks play is good.

1. Play makes me happy.  This might seem pretty basic, but have you really thought about the benefits of this?  You've probably heard the saying "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  This is a fact.  So, you go out and have a blast.  You come home with a big grin on your face.  All other members of the household see your smile and they smile.  Happiness has spread.  World peace is ours.

2. Endorphins.  I've heard these are great for us.  Endorphins are those neurotransmitters that make us feel good.  It's what we're trying to copy with anti-depressants.  So playing around is like taking drugs.  But natural.  The government doesn't even regulate how many times you can dance or hike a day.  Go for it, binge on those endorphins, you'll feel really groovy, man.

3. When we play with others, we create amazing friendships.  I have made the most lasting friendships with those people that went out and did stuff with me.  It's hard to be shy with someone who has had to push you up over a steep rock by pushing you on your ass.  It's much easier to strike up a conversation with someone who you has joined you in throwing everything not nailed down, including the picnic table, into the bonfire you've built.  Some of the best talks I've ever had have been on really tough hikes at that point when you are so freaking tired, but you're not even halfway there.  So you start gabbing to distract yourself from your discomfort.  Anything goes at times like these.  And you're too tired to really monitor what comes out.  And so you're actually honest.  And now these people know everything about you, and it turns out that's pretty cool.

4. Play gets your mind moving.  Somebody's researched it and discovered that play during childhood isn't just for fun.  It's how you learn all kinds of things.  Using your imagination to solve problems like how to avoid the lava.  Working together with others to get across the moat.  Pretending you are an astronaut or a hero or a dragon.  How to avoid being "it."  Strategizing how to win.  What to do if someone falls and scrapes a knee.  How to stand up to someone.  You have to really drum up some brain matter to make this work.  Play makes you think and also makes you better at all things.

5. You'll learn to respect your time and self-care.  This one took me some time to figure out.  My time is important.  I am important.  When I get out and do something fun, I am acknowledging the fact that I am valuable.  I care about my friends and family, but I care about myself too.  Maybe that sounds a little woo-woo, but the truth is, you can't give to anyone if your bucket is empty.  When you don't take care of yourself you get sick, depressed, and nasty.  You don't have the energy to help anyone else.  Before I learned to eat better, and had just started to get out and do fun things with friends, the fog began to clear from my brain.  And I saw that I was caring for everyone buy myself.  (Beer and chocolate in isolation do not count as self-care, they only count in conjunction with other loving acts of kindness towards yourself.)  

You don't have to listen to me.  I'm just a shy, outgoing child grown into a wacky, outgoing adult.  But I have figured out how to enjoy my life.  Not just the weekends, but every single day.  There's times when I get anxious, terrified, angry and sad.  But I know what to do and where to go to get my life back on track.  If you do nothing else to take care of yourself, eat like hell, smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, but get out there and do something that will make you smile.  It might save your life.

Gratitude, What Is It and Do You Want It?

It seems like the universe is telling me that gratitude is the lesson for the week.  All signs are steering me in that direction.

Gratitude is tricky business.  There's a lot of talk out there on Facebook, a lot of pics on Pinterest and a lot of tweeting on the Twitter, telling us that we should be grateful for what we have, and comparing us to others who have less.  I just opened up Pinterest, searched for gratitude and got a bazillion hits for this quote, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough." And this one, "Count your rainbows, not your thundershowers." Well, eww.  These don't make gratitude sound appealing.  Makes it sound like a chore.  I hate chores.  Wash the dishes, do your laundry, and while your at it, have some gratitude.  No, thankyou.

Have you ever been in this situation?  You're feeling really down in the dumps.  Life just kind of sucks for the moment.  You complain to someone with the hopes that they will a) just listen, or b) sympathize by telling you how much their life also sucks.  Instead, they tell you, usually in a super high pitch, insanely cheerful voice, to be grateful for the things you have.  There are others out there with less than you.  There's children in Africa who are starving!  Get over it!  Appreciate what you have!  Wow, okay.  There's fewer things in life that can drive a person into deeper depression than telling somebody who's extraordinarily sad that "You should be happy for what you have!"  Now, not only have you just bared your soul to someone who in return judged you and shoulded on you, but you have to do the pretend happy reply.  Double yuck.  So far, being grateful sounds stupid.  Most people are aware that they have good things in life, there's just some days that you feel down and in those moments, it's hard to focus on them.  Judging others for their feelings just adds another layer to the deep sadness. So we hear it everywhere we go, but what is gratitude?  What does having it really mean?  Is it something we truly want to seek?

Our culture has a habit of getting feelings mixed up.  Being grateful is not the same as being happy.  Or feeling outrageous joy.  They can go hand in hand, and it feels great when they do.  But you can be grateful without happiness.  People have good intentions when they give gratitude advice.  I think humans in general get the idea that when we are thinking about happy things, we are happier people.  So we give the advice, just think happy thoughts! Yay!  Not so easy when your thoughts are in the dumps.

We've all been there, we're in a bad mood and one negative thought after another takes over your brain.  You're on a roll.  You're tired, then you spill your coffee, then you're late to work, and it just piles on you.  The truth is your ego (the judgy part of yourself) digs this stuff.  We don't want to admit it, but there's a part of us that doesn't want to feel better in those moments.  We get so into it.  Your ego loves to compare you to others.  It hates living in the moment.  It likes to think about the future and how sucky it's going to be.  And it likes to review the morning's conversation you had with your boss where you tried to tell a bad lie about why you are late.  It is most comfortable replaying the sad, depressing scenes over and over.  It tells you that you are in need, that others have things you don't, and that you will never get what you want in life because you are an IMPOSTER!

The ego is an asshole.

This is why actual gratitude, not the Pollyanna fake happy version, is a great place to start when you are
feeling down.  You have to shake off your ego.  It's got a vice like grip, but you can trick it into letting go, one finger at a time.  Your ego is stuck on all of the negative crap swirling around you and the only way to make that stop, is to think about something positive.  But you have to start small.  You have to throw it off, feint to the left and jab and jab and show it some fancy footwork before you sock it in the face.  You have to get your brain thinking about the positive.  Gratitude is a simple admission that something in your life, right at this moment, does not suck.  You can start small.   You can't go straight for the I have a loving partner and family and friends that love me.  You gotta go slow, get a positive thought or two in and then build.

The first thing you need to do is stop, and state or think out an intention that you are going to now do something to make yourself feel better.  This isn't something you can do while multitasking.  Stop what you're doing.  It won't take long.

Next, look around you.  Pick an object in your field of vision.  Are you grateful for that thing?  Right now I see a Lacrosse ball.  I don't have much feeling for that, so I'll swing around to something else.  Ah, my May Cause Miracles book.  This is something that I can admit in this moment, does not suck.  In fact, the words inside it have given me much to think about.  Okay, keep looking.  Floss.  Hell, no.  I hate flossing.  Next! My sewing box!  It has my favorite sewing scissors inside of it.  I've had it for a long time.  I've fixed a lot of clothes with the items in that box.

If you're feeling it now, if you're in the groove, keep going!  Yes!  That spray can of sunscreen!  I love spray sunscreen because I'm too lazy to rub in sunscreen!  The remote control!  Who is not grateful of the great remote control that allows me so much power with just the move of a finger.  A black pen!  My Iphone charger!  These are things that I can be grateful for.

If you're not feeling it, find at least three things.  Force your mind to find a reason to be grateful.  Your ego has a really strong grip and it is hanging on for dear life, but you can overcome.

If you are reading this, then the universe has guided you to this page.  Take a moment, right now, to do the above exercise.   Forget the big stuff.  Just look around.  Maybe there are items in your life you are grateful for.  If this is very, very hard for you, then just shut your eyes.  Breathe in and out.  Take a moment to appreciate the air that moves in and out of your lungs without any guidance from you.  Put your hand over your heart and take a moment to consider that your heart moves the blood and oxygen through your veins.  Your body is providing for you right now.  You are being provided for.  You don't have to do anything in return. For now, just let your body do the work for you.  You are valuable, you have purpose.  You are loved.

Were you able to find anything you were grateful for? Please tell us in the comments below.

"The fear voice of your ego will resist gratitude at all costs.  The ego loves to seek problems and focus on what we don't have.  Understanding you're ego's resistance will help you as you build your gratitude muscles and unleash your appreciation.  Trust that the feeling of gratitude is stronger than fear."- Gabrielle Bernstein, May Cause Miracles

"Experiencing gratitude is one of the most effective ways of getting in touch with your soul. When you’re in touch with your soul, you eavesdrop on the thoughts of the universe. You feel connected to everything in creation. You embrace the wisdom of uncertainty and you sense yourself as a field of infinite possibilities."- from Gratitude Is the Highest Point of View by Deepak Chopra

"Gratitude is an expression of appreciation.  We want to treat others the way we want to be treated."- Nathan Preston, LMFT

Some visionaries I love and their perspectives on gratitude:

Lissa Rankin- The Prescription for Gratitude

Danielle LaPorte- The How-To’s of Small, Specific, Genuine (and Publicly Declared) Gratitude

Oprah- The Power of Gratitude

Oprah and Lifeclass Teachers: Mastering the Art of Gratitude

Deepak Chopra- Ask Deepak - How Gratitude Creates Abundance Consciousness

Reconnect with the World

Another tragedy today, a 20 year old man takes the life of his mother, of 25 children and staff at a school and his own life.  When tragedies like this occur, it is so utterly confusing.  What do we do?  Often what we choose is to watch the news replay the story over and over, looking for ways that we can explain what happened.  Why that man?  Why that school?  Why, why, why?  We listen to experts rehash the story, draw out the situation, walk us through the scenario step by step.  They interview the families and friends and bystanders to get another viewpoint.  They begin to run out of ways to tell the story and they search for more experts to talk about how bad our schools are, how lonely our children, how this generation is worse than previous and then the gun law talks will begin.  The heated arguments about whether we should get the guns off the streets or whether we should give everyone guns.
And yet we haven't solved the problem have we?  This is the same story told many times before.  Different schools, different children, different families.  I am choosing to do something different this time.  I can't watch the news.  Something about watching the reporters rehash the story one more time makes me feel dirty.  Like I am feeding some kind of hunger that my ego has.  It feeds the worry.  It feeds the depression.  It feeds the voice that tells me over and over that there is not enough.  Never enough.  Not enough love, money, food, friends, stuff.  It tells me that the world is a scary, crazy, dangerous place.  That I should trust no one.  That I shouldn't leave my house.  That voice is wrong.
This time I choose to ignore that voice.  I choose to honor these children and the staff and their families by challenging myself to begin to make a positive change in the world.  There is enough.  There is enough love, money, food, friends, stuff.  There is more than enough for everyone, there is an overflowing abundance if we would just stop hoarding it.  If we could connect more with others and begin to rebuild trust.  To prove to all of us that that 20 year old man was wrong.  There is always a better option than causing death and destruction.  There is always another choice.  We need to show our families, our loved ones, our friends and most especially our children that we are not alone.  They need to see that there is always an open heart to turn to.  We are out here.  I am here.  You are not alone.

My challenge is to end 2012 with a practice in kindness.  The rules:
Every day from now until the December 31, you are to make a connection with someone new.  It could be someone new that you meet that day or it could be someone you have previously walked by without acknowledgement, like a neighbor, or a fellow employee.  Maybe the Starbucks barista.  All you have to do is look that person in the eyes, this is important, look them in the eyes and do your best to smile a smile that goes all the way to your eyes.  That can be enough, but to take it further, ask for their name.  And say it out loud.  Shake their hand if you're brave.  And report it back here or on Facebook.  It's such a small thing that you can do to begin to heal this world.  We have become so disconnected with each other, but that does not have to be permanent.  Let's start this together.
I am holding the children and families in my heart.  I am sending love and caring and kindness.  I cannot ease their pain today, but I can be there for someone else who is in need.