Living a Happy Life- It's not about luck.

As we come upon the end of the year and look forward to the next, the posts about how to improve your life are taking over social media.  And in response I've seen many posts about how annoying it is to have those posts pop up all over the place.  I enjoy reading both sides, the ones outlining activities and practices that lead to more positivity and those convinced that those people should just shut up.  What really entertains me is the comments at the end.  I am floored by the numbers of people who take the time to comment.  And it saddens me to see how many people are convinced that happiness and joy are out of reach.  I understand that these articles often come off with a Pollyanna vibe, like it's supposed to be easy.  "10 Easy Steps to Joy!"  And if you are currently in a depressive state, reading the easy fixes like, "Smile more!" might make you want to punch someone.    The truth of the matter is that Joy and Happiness are not easy to come by. Not at first.  Especially when you're out of practice.  The people writing these articles have usually taken years of practice to come by their current state of calm, peace or joy.  They didn't just "smile more" for a day and then BAM, HAPPINESS!  It is not easy, and it doesn't happen quickly.  But it CAN happen.  One of the first steps is to figure out if you even believe it's possible, despite your present circumstances in life.  You can be in exactly the same circumstances that you are in now and have a more peaceful, calm, even joyful state of mind.  Another thing to realize, is that being happy or joyful despite your circumstances does not mean that now you become a passive floater in life.  The people writing these articles are not simply running down the shore of the beach in the sun all day.  That might be a part of their day and all the power to them!  They take the time to have fun.  But they are also feeding their families, paying their bills, writing blog posts, putting their effort into the projects that they care about.  They work hard.  They do not simply lie on the bed all day with a big grin on their faces.
I know, because I'm one of those people who tend to write and share those positive posts.  I love to talk to people about how to live a more joyful life.  But the truth is, I didn't use to be this happy.  I used to be pretty miserable.  I went to my boring, stressful job, came home to my husband and dogs who I love very much, and made dinner and either worked out or worked on the computer and went to bed.  It wasn't a bad life.  If you had asked me then, I probably would have said I was pretty happy.  I enjoyed a lot of the things I was doing.  I was being paid well enough to continue to live in Hawaii, which is a beautiful place to be.  My husband took wonderful care of me and dogs give unconditional love, the best kind.  And yet, looking back, knowing how happy I am now, I see that I was "pretty happy" but also "pretty miserable" in probably equal amounts.  Good memories and moments of sadness, boredom, discontent.  And that feeling that I couldn't change it.
So I know.  I know what it's like to think to yourself that you should be happy because you have a great husband, family, dogs and for $#@$ sake you live in Hawaii.  I know what it's like to look at people with those beaming smiles and think they're faking it.  Believing that that level of happiness doesn't actually exist.  Believing that those people were trying to sell me something, their product, their website, something, and that when they were done convincing me how awesome it was, they were going to go home and collapse into an exhausted heap of human, spent after spending the day trying to keep up that level of deception.  I believed that it wasn't possible.
Seeing a therapist in 2010 was a big change for me.  I stopped trying to do things by myself.  And in that small act of asking for help from someone else, I became a little braver.  I decided that I didn't have much to lose by trying.  I decided to live an experimental life.  I decided to give it a shot and see if it was actually possible to enjoy the little things in life.  To see if, in fact, meditation works.  To test out whether or not those joy gurus were right.  I started to listen to "self-help" books and to experiment with prayer, yoga, meditation and mindfulness activities.  Even if I thought it was stupid at first.  In fact, when I started meditating, it was painful.  My mind raced, thinking of all of the more important activities I could be accomplishing, my legs hurt because I'm so inflexible, my back hurt because I don't like to sit up straight and they tell you you should.  Sometimes I would fall asleep, other times I would peek open my eyes to see how much time left I had on the clock.  But I gave it a shot.  I made a commitment to a week of meditation in the morning.  And slowly, in little tiny moments, I began to feel that inner peace.  Those moments of just being and nothing else.  Where all the pain in my body and all the painful thoughts were briefly not important.  In the beginning it was so short, but once you've felt that, you become a bit of an addict.  You want more.  And then I finally believed that those joy gurus could be right.  That feeling does exist.
At the same time I was exploring books on the subject.  If a book didn't interest me in the beginning, I stopped reading it.  I wasn't there to waste my time.  Over time I found a few people whose words touched me and hit a nerve.  Not everything they said was like that, but every once in a while there would be a statement that just zinged me from my head to my toes and landed in my heart.  And I knew, just knew it to be truth.  I felt it.  It was not logic, it was knowing.  It was similar to that feeling of just "being" during meditation.

Because I took the time to experiment, I allowed myself to be open to the possibility.  And I discovered it could be true.  And it took a long time.  A 10 minute meditation in the morning is long for me.  I still peek at the clock sometimes.  But there are times when I start to meditate and I drop into this wonderful state of calm and peace.  And I've come to a point where I can find that state during times of stress and frustration.  In traffic, in long lines at the supermarket, while one of the toddlers I work with is purposefully taking as long as physically possible to put his dish into the dish tray after lunch.  In these moments I can drop down into that feeling of relaxation.  And here's where I think we have led people astray.  Once I've reached that state, I don't just smile and say, "Oh, it's okay, do what you want" and pretend to smile blissfully.  I don't let people walk over me just because I'm able to stay calm.  Being peaceful and calm is not the same as being a push-over.  In those moments, though, I can clear my mind and think of something to keep me busy.  Instead of fuming about how slow the lady in front of me is, while she counts out 85 dollars worth of pennies and drops a handful on the floor, I can take a second to drop in the calm.  Then I can look around and see if there is a different line, I can see if the person behind me is friendly and wants to share a smile about the situation, or look at the cover of the Enquirer which is always entertaining.  And instead of being furious about the pennies on the floor, I can smile at the woman with arthritis, assist her in picking up pennies, and wish her happiness in her life.  The truth is, either way, the woman is going to pay her money for her groceries.  I can fume, I can help her, I can find another line.  When you are paying your mortgage bill, you can do it with a smile or a grimace, both cost the same.  When the child takes forever, you can make a calm decision about how to react.  Do I shout at him to hurry up?  Do I take the plate from him and do it myself?  Do I let him continue on so that a more important lesson of self-sufficiency is learned?  Can I use a gentle, but firm tone to remind him that we have something to do so going fast is important? mIs it more important to be fast or for him to do it himself?  I can decide in a calm state of mind instead of reacting in anger.
 So ask yourself a few questions.  Do you believe that happiness is possible?  Do you believe that being calm and peaceful would change you into a push over?  Do you think that once you accepted reality,  you would have no power to change it?  Leave your answers in the comments!
"Happiness is not circumstance." Marianne Williamson says this on an episode of SuperSoul Sunday.  And I truly believe this to be true.

Do You Play?

Just a short blog post this week.  It's a simple look at whether you have enough fun in your life.  I am lucky.  I was born into a fun-loving, hilarious family.  I never realized that some people don't know how to laugh at themselves or the world around them.  Gabby Bernstein says, "When you make fun your primary purpose, you will experience many miracles and be of high service to the world."  I love this.  I truly and completely agree.  Making someone else laugh is at the top of my list of amazing experiences.  I'm not talking about the fake laughter of someone trying to impress, pretending like they understand or agreeing because they "should."  I'm talking the deep, belly laughter that comes from an inside joke that keeps building and building until it is so ridiculously silly that you can't keep the laughter in.  The kind of laughter that makes you hug your sides, snort through your nose, leak tears from your eyes and brings you to the point when you are not even making noise anymore, you're just shaking and wheezing.  You have to lean over and hold your knees so you can catch your breath, and keep your eyes off of your buddy, or it will sweep over you again.  The kind of laughter you can't hold back and makes you feel like you're going to pee your pants.  Everyone should have that.  I think it should be one of our main goals in life.

Like the chick in the middle.  Priceless.

Do you?

Drugs and Spirituality

So the other night I was drinking a Guinness my husband got me for St Patrick's Day weekend and watching Oprah's Supersoul Sunday, and Oprah was interviewing Debbie Ford.  Debbie was speaking about a point in her life when she first saw God, back when she was in a treatment facility.  Oprah then asked her whether she had had this spiritual awakening while on drugs, or while off of drugs.  What a great question!
This episode got me thinking, since I was watching Debbie Ford while drinking beer.  It got me thinking about why we drink or do drugs at all. What is the draw?  We know all of the possible negative side effects.  We've lived through the poor decisions made while drunk or high and we've survived the hangovers the next day.  So why would we ever do it more than once?  Why isn't it an obvious lesson learned the first time around?

Obviously, alcohol and drug addiction is a complicated topic that can't all be addressed in one blog post.  There is the physical addiction side, which I am not delving into at all.  What I propose to talk about here is only a slight aspect of a much bigger conversation, but one that I found intriguing to consider.

Did your spiritual experience happen while you were on drugs or while you were recovering?  We hear so many stories from those leaders who had a spiritual awakening when they hit their "rock bottom" and decided to live a different kind of life.  But, many people have had spiritual experiences while drinking or doing drugs.  And the intriguing thought for me was that, maybe, in the beginning, this is why someone would gravitate towards mind-altering activities.  I doubt very much this is a mindful decision, "Hmm, maybe if I snort some cocaine, I will find God..."  That's not what I'm saying.  But there is always something we are looking for before trying something new.  Social acceptance, a distraction from how we currently feel, relaxation, or energy, for example.  We just don't know what it is we are looking for.  And so very sane and reasonable people try some very out of the box behaviors.

When you have your first beer, drink, toke, snort, shot, and I don't know the lingo for what else, the theory that I am exploring is, that maybe you are able to, in that moment, relax enough to tune in to the present moment.  To shut your ego down.  To stop comparing yourself to others and believe that you are of value.  To see how all things in the world are connected.  To believe that everything that happens to you has a reason and a lesson and for a moment we can be grateful for what we have now.  For that moment, the quality of the chair your sitting in and the decorations of your location aren't important.  It's enough that you are alive and being provided for.  That first drink helps you get in touch with and see your attractive, witty, and intelligent side.  The beauty is that the drinks and drugs don't make you a better person, a more introspective person, a more outgoing person, but they block your ego and for just a little while you can be in touch with your true nature, your purpose and your inner guide.  In the beginning, maybe it helps you see God, because your barriers are down and you allow yourself to trust and have faith.

All of these feelings, which are wonderful and breathtaking and worthy of wanting to feel again, unfortunately don't last long with drugs and alcohol.  Unfortunately, I believe that so many people stumble upon these feelings accidentally and then falsely attribute the drugs or alcohol with the responsibility of getting you there.  There is a false belief that it is the only way to feel that good, or maybe just the easiest and fastest way.  But studies and history reveal that although in the beginning drugs and alcohol might feel good, they soon overtake your life.  The second, third and fourth drink don't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  Another shot of heroine or snort of cocaine doesn't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  And over time the drugs and alcohol don't bring you that feeling at all.  You go through your day in a depressed fog looking for the drugs and alcohol to bring you to some semblance of normal, or at least not like complete shit, but not closer to God.  Because you didn't know that's what you were looking for in the first place.

Many things in life start for one reason, but continue for another.  Recovery is a complex and individual path.  I'm not suggesting that becoming spiritual is a direct and easy path to healing yourself from a life of drugs and alcohol (I believe it is a part of the journey, however).  I am simply looking at one piece of this issue, which has more to do with preventing others from getting there in the first place.

Is this a crazy thought that we are all looking for our spiritual path, we just don't realize it?  Maybe.  I do think that we have a responsibility to teach our children that there are a million ways to feel good.  We have a responsibility to show them that there are healthy ways to feel strong, confident, witty, connected, smart, and in tune with their inner self.  It's not about praising kids for everything they do, or keeping them from ever failing or making a mistake.  It's about showing them how exciting life is in the day to day.  How awesome it feels to hang upside down from the jungle gym.  How wonderful it can feel to share something with a friend.  How moving your body through playing games, and sports and even just in spinning in circles or running through mud can bring you joy.  Then, maybe when they are teenagers (hopefully not middle schoolers, but come on people, you know our kids are growing up fast) when they do try that cigarette, that joint or that wine cooler at a party, they will recognize the feeling for what it is.  And they will know that they can just as easily get that high from sitting in silence, reading a good book, or playing a game.

Your thoughts?  Would love to hear them.

Day 4 of Miracle Creation

Each moment you choose love over fear is a miracle. - Gabrielle Bernstein, May Cause Miracles.

Our book club has been working through the May Cause Miracles book.  Some of us are on day 4, some on day 3.  I like the way the first couple of days are very simple.  The first day, being willing to witness your fear, was a powerful one.  You don't do anything about it, you don't judge.  You just see it.  Today's exercise had you go back to your day 1 journal entry and write about your fears from a perspective of gratitude.  This one was more difficult than I thought.  I've worked through a lot of stuff over the past couple of years, but it's always interesting to uncover that next layer that you weren't aware of.  For instance, my resolution for this year was to do my best to eat healthy without doing a challenge.  Instead I was going to keep in mind the Core Desired Feelings I came up with while reading Danielle Laporte's Fire Starter Sessions.  This has turned out to be a fabulous idea.  I have not felt the drive to jump on the scale and see if it moved.  I have not felt the fear that if I eat a pancake, I would be betraying myself and my body and the paleo gods!  Instead I pack my regular breakfast and lunch.  I make myself dinner.  When I am offered something outside of what I consider to be "real food" I say go for it!  You can eat whatever you want.  And I also think, is this going to make you feel Clear, Connected, Powerful, Energized, and Free?  The answer is not always the same.  A co-worker really wanted me to taste some jelly she made from scratch.  I said yes, I would taste it for her, because she means a lot to me (connected) and it was yummy!  But very often my answer is "No thankyou, I don't eat that anymore."  What does this have to do with my fears?  Well, writing today I realized that now that we've been in the New Year for quite sometime, and I've been feeling pretty darn excellent for a good 50 some odd days.  That sounds wonderful!  The fear that pops up for me is, how long do I get to enjoy this?  When will the balloon pop and send me crashing back down to reality?
Too often we get caught up in the emotions of others.  I hear over and over again that it won't last.  That something will happen.  And I have to remind myself that stuff has been happening.  I've just been joyful while stuff is happening.  Being late to work and getting "scolded" or sitting up with my sick dog or having my husband barely able to breathe during Christmastime due to chemical pneumonia he picked up from the painters spraying cleaning solution while he was home.  All of our salt water fish dying, including the eel that just yesterday suicided out the back of the tank, again because the painters sprayed some chemicals into our house.  My mother not talking to me because of a disagreement.  My friend's cat dying while I sat with it.  A friend's breakup.  All of this happened since November time.  But through it all there has been a consistent sense of calm and trust.  Trust that everything is as it should be.  That we give things meaning- positive or negative- but otherwise they just are.  They just happen.
So being happy for this long feels great, but it also goes against everything I'm used to before learning from some great teachers.  I've always had the belief that we go through good times and bad times, that it cycles through.  The old beliefs are hard to shake.  They pop up when we least expect them.  So on Day 4 I recognize that my fear that some kind of downward cycle is on it's way.  And I'm just going to breathe in and breathe out.  And relax.  And question my thoughts when they come up.  And have a joyful day tomorrow and enjoy the delicious moment that is right now.

Facing Forward in 2013

New Year's Eve December 31, 2011

It's December 27 and we've been creeping closer and closer to the New Year.  I survived the December 21 apocalypse and the Christmas holiday without a scratch.  This year has been a wild ride.  Many changes have happened in my life and I feel like 2013 will be a continuation of this trend.  It has been a year of spiritual growth.  I went through many events that could have thrown me off kilter, but I feel like I have become more grounded, more "calm and centered" as my friend Keysa would say.  The overarching theme for the year of 2012 was my devouring of books, blogs, and webinars by life coaches, spiritual leaders, philosphers, wayfinders, team members and healers such as Martha Beck, Kyle Cease, Regena Thomashaur, Kitty Cavalier, Byron Katie, Oprah, Tama Kieves, Lissa Rankin, Amy Ahlers, Lisa Nichols, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and Iyanla Vanzant.  I feel like 2012 was a year of focusing on my life's purpose and my calling in life.  I have become more clear on who I am and how I want to be in this life.  It has been a year of recognizing that it's not what happens to us, in fact our circumstances have nothing at all to do with the kind of life we have.  Instead it is our reaction, what story we choose to believe about it, how we react and how we choose to feel about the event.
2012 in review:

My Sister and I Smize

My 2012 began with a bang because my little sister, Anna, still lived with me.  She brought some energy and change into my life when she moved in with my husband and I in November 2011 and her energy and spirit were drove me full speed ahead into the new year.  We hiked and danced and fruit ninja ed and ate and dressed up and took the doggies for long walks.  Nathan even started the new year off with a couple of hikes with us.  January I also joined Crossfit Kailua and the amount of strength that I have gained over the year with the encouragement of my workout buddy Keysa (and Anna before she left), and my coaches is quite impressive, since I only workout twice a week with supplemental weekend hikes.  I started a paleo challenge in March and actually won 2nd place.  And Keysa won 3rd!  Awesome.

But in the spring time Anna moved away.  Sadness!  Seriously, very sad.  She moved on to South Carolina, but I'm hoping she hates it so much she'll move back here for a while.  We'll see.

At some point I began to watch reruns of Oprah's Lifeclass.  Those are life changers, holy moly!  Seriously, I began to have some major moments of clarity and some momentous gaining of perspective over my life.  It sent me scrambling for books and blogs by her guests starting with Iyanla Vanzant, who I love.  The perspective I gained from these classes I think helped me through starting at a new location at my job.  It was a tough transition, the culture of the school is very different than what I was used to.  It was difficult to manage the micromanagement, but I was able to stay calm without dissolving into tears.  I was able to step back and think before I agreed (or disagreed) to any commands given.

Hiking with my Best Friends

In October I took a life changing class called "Finding Your Calling" with Lissa Rankin, Martha Beck and Amy Ahlers.  It was the first time I have ever paid for a class by a "life coach."  It was amazing, intense and life-altering.  Did I mention it changed my life?  I became a part of an inspiring group of healers and entrepreneurs that I continue to keep in touch with.  A bazillion brilliant statements were made during these classes and I keep learning more and more as I go back and listen to the recordings.  The main thing is that I began to believe in myself.  Not the type of excitement that amps you up while the infomercial is playing but fades when it's over.  They kind that you feel in your bones, your gut, your heart.  I began to see and hear and feel what I want out of life.  Not the superficial things.  What I really want.  How I want to feel day to day, what kind of changes I want to make in the world.  What I want my legacy to be, what I want written on my tombstone.  The real stuff.  How I want you to remember me.  Ooh, it gives me chills all over again just thinking about it.

Sullivan Christmas Group Hug

So from this class I've had some real perspective shifts.  When I got pulled over speeding on H3, I totally got to enjoy the whole thing.  I got to look the police officer in the eye and thank him for doing his job.  I got to live through bouncing multiple checks all at the same time due to a mistake I made, and take a deep breath and not freak out.  And it was okay.  I paid some late fees.  The world did not end.  My dog got pancreatitis and lay next to me shivering, wanting me to fix his pain.  I didn't freak out.  I held him, I took him to the vet.  I got him his meds.  And I got to stay calm and help him instead of being anxious and scared and angry.  And yesterday, when my dear friend's cat died I didn't run away.  I was freaked out, but I stayed with him while he took his last breath and talked to my friend and brushed him with his favorite brush.  It was the saddest thing I've ever witnessed, he was a great cat, an old cat and he helped my friend through some really hard times.  But I didn't run away and hide, and I didn't freak out.  I stayed with him and tried to stay calm so it would be easier on him.

Warrior Dash, 2012

During the "Finding Your Calling" class Martha Beck walked us through a guided meditation that has helped me immensely in times like this.  You start out standing in a hurricane, watching the wind and waves and destruction happen.  Then you become just a speck of consciousness, a being that can watch, hear and sense the destruction but not be affected by it.  The wind and waves and rain go through you and you are untouched.  Then you drop down a rope into the ocean and you follow it down into the churning waves, and deeper, deeper and the water gets calmer and quieter as you go down.  All the way to the bottom where it is silent, so quiet that whales communicate to each other across miles at this depth.  And here you anchor your rope.  Your consciousness is still above water in the intense energy that is a hurricane and at the same time you are anchored in this peaceful, calm depth of ocean.  At any time you can grab onto this rope to ground yourself, to remind yourself that there is a part of you that is always calm and peaceful.  I mentally grab onto this rope often.  It might be the lesson of the year for me.

Swamp Romp, 2012

Parkour!

Finally, this morning I read a chapter of The Fire Starter Sessions, by Danielle Laporte.  Session 5, Facing Forward.  It talks about being "stuck in the past and chronically complaining about our present."  It struck a chord for me as I look towards the New Year's celebration in a couple of days and I consider what my resolution should be.  And I think Facing Forward might be my theme for 2013.  To stop getting stuck in the past.  To tell my stories from a place of love, learning and humor.  And to spend most of my time facing the present, what I do have and how I can build on that.  What my current obstacles are and how I can get past them.  How I can live every day of this year striving to feel Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear and Free, my "Core Desired Feelings" (another Danielle Laporte concept).  Every day looking forward.

In the comments, please leave your thoughts on what your resolutions might be this coming year as well as adding any names of Spiritual and Life Leaders I may have missed in the above paragraphs.

Reconnect with the World

Another tragedy today, a 20 year old man takes the life of his mother, of 25 children and staff at a school and his own life.  When tragedies like this occur, it is so utterly confusing.  What do we do?  Often what we choose is to watch the news replay the story over and over, looking for ways that we can explain what happened.  Why that man?  Why that school?  Why, why, why?  We listen to experts rehash the story, draw out the situation, walk us through the scenario step by step.  They interview the families and friends and bystanders to get another viewpoint.  They begin to run out of ways to tell the story and they search for more experts to talk about how bad our schools are, how lonely our children, how this generation is worse than previous and then the gun law talks will begin.  The heated arguments about whether we should get the guns off the streets or whether we should give everyone guns.
And yet we haven't solved the problem have we?  This is the same story told many times before.  Different schools, different children, different families.  I am choosing to do something different this time.  I can't watch the news.  Something about watching the reporters rehash the story one more time makes me feel dirty.  Like I am feeding some kind of hunger that my ego has.  It feeds the worry.  It feeds the depression.  It feeds the voice that tells me over and over that there is not enough.  Never enough.  Not enough love, money, food, friends, stuff.  It tells me that the world is a scary, crazy, dangerous place.  That I should trust no one.  That I shouldn't leave my house.  That voice is wrong.
This time I choose to ignore that voice.  I choose to honor these children and the staff and their families by challenging myself to begin to make a positive change in the world.  There is enough.  There is enough love, money, food, friends, stuff.  There is more than enough for everyone, there is an overflowing abundance if we would just stop hoarding it.  If we could connect more with others and begin to rebuild trust.  To prove to all of us that that 20 year old man was wrong.  There is always a better option than causing death and destruction.  There is always another choice.  We need to show our families, our loved ones, our friends and most especially our children that we are not alone.  They need to see that there is always an open heart to turn to.  We are out here.  I am here.  You are not alone.

My challenge is to end 2012 with a practice in kindness.  The rules:
Every day from now until the December 31, you are to make a connection with someone new.  It could be someone new that you meet that day or it could be someone you have previously walked by without acknowledgement, like a neighbor, or a fellow employee.  Maybe the Starbucks barista.  All you have to do is look that person in the eyes, this is important, look them in the eyes and do your best to smile a smile that goes all the way to your eyes.  That can be enough, but to take it further, ask for their name.  And say it out loud.  Shake their hand if you're brave.  And report it back here or on Facebook.  It's such a small thing that you can do to begin to heal this world.  We have become so disconnected with each other, but that does not have to be permanent.  Let's start this together.
I am holding the children and families in my heart.  I am sending love and caring and kindness.  I cannot ease their pain today, but I can be there for someone else who is in need.