Day 4 of Miracle Creation

Each moment you choose love over fear is a miracle. - Gabrielle Bernstein, May Cause Miracles.

Our book club has been working through the May Cause Miracles book.  Some of us are on day 4, some on day 3.  I like the way the first couple of days are very simple.  The first day, being willing to witness your fear, was a powerful one.  You don't do anything about it, you don't judge.  You just see it.  Today's exercise had you go back to your day 1 journal entry and write about your fears from a perspective of gratitude.  This one was more difficult than I thought.  I've worked through a lot of stuff over the past couple of years, but it's always interesting to uncover that next layer that you weren't aware of.  For instance, my resolution for this year was to do my best to eat healthy without doing a challenge.  Instead I was going to keep in mind the Core Desired Feelings I came up with while reading Danielle Laporte's Fire Starter Sessions.  This has turned out to be a fabulous idea.  I have not felt the drive to jump on the scale and see if it moved.  I have not felt the fear that if I eat a pancake, I would be betraying myself and my body and the paleo gods!  Instead I pack my regular breakfast and lunch.  I make myself dinner.  When I am offered something outside of what I consider to be "real food" I say go for it!  You can eat whatever you want.  And I also think, is this going to make you feel Clear, Connected, Powerful, Energized, and Free?  The answer is not always the same.  A co-worker really wanted me to taste some jelly she made from scratch.  I said yes, I would taste it for her, because she means a lot to me (connected) and it was yummy!  But very often my answer is "No thankyou, I don't eat that anymore."  What does this have to do with my fears?  Well, writing today I realized that now that we've been in the New Year for quite sometime, and I've been feeling pretty darn excellent for a good 50 some odd days.  That sounds wonderful!  The fear that pops up for me is, how long do I get to enjoy this?  When will the balloon pop and send me crashing back down to reality?
Too often we get caught up in the emotions of others.  I hear over and over again that it won't last.  That something will happen.  And I have to remind myself that stuff has been happening.  I've just been joyful while stuff is happening.  Being late to work and getting "scolded" or sitting up with my sick dog or having my husband barely able to breathe during Christmastime due to chemical pneumonia he picked up from the painters spraying cleaning solution while he was home.  All of our salt water fish dying, including the eel that just yesterday suicided out the back of the tank, again because the painters sprayed some chemicals into our house.  My mother not talking to me because of a disagreement.  My friend's cat dying while I sat with it.  A friend's breakup.  All of this happened since November time.  But through it all there has been a consistent sense of calm and trust.  Trust that everything is as it should be.  That we give things meaning- positive or negative- but otherwise they just are.  They just happen.
So being happy for this long feels great, but it also goes against everything I'm used to before learning from some great teachers.  I've always had the belief that we go through good times and bad times, that it cycles through.  The old beliefs are hard to shake.  They pop up when we least expect them.  So on Day 4 I recognize that my fear that some kind of downward cycle is on it's way.  And I'm just going to breathe in and breathe out.  And relax.  And question my thoughts when they come up.  And have a joyful day tomorrow and enjoy the delicious moment that is right now.