Because My Mom Says

"You can be anything you want." - Pauline Sullivan.

Although much of my early life was dictated by fear- fear of failure, of letting others down, of saying the wrong thing, of breaking rules, of not being liked, of looking stupid, and of going to Hell, I was given a great gift that carried me through.  I'm not sure if I was only told once, or if it was a repeated message in my household, but I heard the message that I was allowed to dream big.  That we had very little spending money, but that I was fully capable of going to college and being anything I wanted.  Through the fear I heard that I could keep my mind open to possibilities.

I don't know how my mother knew to pass those words on, or how she came to believe them herself, coming from even poorer circumstances, growing up in the basement of her grandparents home as a young child under the abusive, angry watch of my alcoholic grandfather in New Jersey, but somehow she heard the message and believed it.  We may have been "poor" by definition of not having a lot of extra cash on hand, but my parents had (and they still have) 5 acres of land in the woods, with a stream and a house and garden that they built on their own.  My father worked for himself in a business with his friends that they built and my Mom was able to stay home to raise us.  What strength of character allows you to dream that you can have that?  That you are not stuck with what you have been handed in this life, but can make your own choices?

I was lucky to hear that.  Because I was given many messages, and most were not positive.  We are all given some obvious, and some very sneaky messages about who we are and who we are supposed to become.  How we are supposed to behave and how much we should be allowed to have.  How big we should allow ourselves to dream.  When I was a child I was going to be a teacher or a nanny, then I would be a Counselor, then I decided that I would be a physical therapist and work with sports teams.  I had limited connection to the possibilities that existed.   As time goes on my vision expands just a little to include new things, new possibilities. In college I moved from Physical Therapist (they have to touch sweaty feet!) to therapist.  This one has stuck for quite some time.  I think it bumps up really close to my passion and purpose.  And still I think there is more for me.  I will be a therapist, and I will be great.  But I am allowing myself to dream even bigger.  A life coach?  A nutritionist?  An exercise instructor?  A public speaker?  Owner and operator of a world-famous retreat center where spiritual leaders stay and speak?  President?  Who knows. Because I can be whatever I want.  My mom says so.

Everything You Need...

From Sun-Gazing.com

I never thought I'd be the type to write out a check to myself, signed by "The Law of Abundance" with the hopes that it would bring me anything but a roll of the eyes from anyone I might tell about it.  And yet I did this very thing about 10 minutes ago.  I sheepishly explained to my husband that a trusted friend had mentioned this on Facebook and it seemed like a great idea so I did it.  His response was an entertained smile and a nod of the head.  He no longer seems fazed by my "Why the hell not?" attitude and all the strange behavior that has come with it.
So why am I hiding abundance checks in the back left corner of my home within 48 hours of the new moon? I have found it to be true that when a message shows up in your life all at the same time from several different sources, it should not be ignored.  The recent message that has been gently, but persistently nudging me for quite some time is that everything you need is available to you right now.  Like, as in, I need nothing.  It's all here.  All you need to do is look for it or ask for it.  This may sound a bit crazy to you if , like so many people out in the world grew up hearing one or a combination of the following messages:
There isn't enough money, money doesn't grow on trees, the poor will inherit the earth, asking for money is shameful, people who have money must have done something wrong/evil/sinful to have that much money, rich people are spoiled and/or selfish, you don't need something that nice, it is wrong to want money/things, you should be proud of how we do without any money..., and on and on.
For me, I at least grew up knowing that having money wasn't the answer to everything.  We grew up poor, but I was well fed, had a fabulous backyard including woods and stream to spend all of my free time and the most amazing siblings that anyone could ever ask for.  We actually sat down and ate dinner together every night and had family game night.  My parents instilled in us a sense of humor and pride that I would not trade for anything.  The only drawback, as there is always two sides to a coin, is that now I don't know how to have money.  I am embarrassed to talk about it.  I have made really cool things for people- handmade stuffed animals that took hours of my work- and was ashamed to charge anything more than what you might buy a mass manufactured Made in China toy for.  When I have money I tend to spend it immediately- and I will try to get the best deal that I can for mediocre quality clothes or goods.  I am proud of my ability to get clothes for 4 dollars at Sal's Boutique.  This is not a bad thing, but it definitely hinders me when I am asked to spend a reasonable amount of money for a quality good or service.  It also gets in the way when I think about charging people a good amount of money to sit down and talk to me for an hour.
Because of my lack mentality, I know I have not been attracting wealth.  I have been pushing it away.  When I think about it, I know there were opportunities that I missed because I was afraid or embarrassed or scoffed at the amount of money they might cost.  One example- In high school, I can count on one hand how often I asked my parents for money for anything.  My friend Jen and I would go around the cafeteria at lunch and ask other kids for a quarter "for the phone" and get enough to split an ice cream sandwich between us.  I did not have real basketball shoes when I played basketball, I had these cheap sneakers from PayLess.  And when I joined LaCrosse in college I wore the SAME SHOES, the same terrible, cheap basketballish sneakers to run in.  And of course I got a stress fracture.  Could Mom and Dad have afforded shoes?  Yeah.  I think they could have.  I was just too ashamed or scared to ask.  I also didn't want to buy the 100 dollar health insurance that I was required to have when I played LaCrosse because it was too expensive. Luckily for me, I had to and could see a doctor for that stress fracture.  I never bought anything but used books, wouldn't spend cash on food (I had a school lunch card), and when I moved to Hawaii in 2002, I continued these cheap spending habits.  I wouldn't buy good bras, workout gear, sneakers, shoes, food, craft supplies, work supplies, nothing.
Sure, I was good at not spending money on quality stuff, I was good at getting a lot for not much money, but was I saving money?  Was my life better because I saved 5 dollars?  No.  And my mindset of "never enough money" drove me to depression and anxiety.  Being a cheap-ass did not make me happy and it did not make me wealthy and it did not stop me from worrying about money.
For all that time I never questioned the fact that it wasn't working.  I thought I was budgeting and saving.  But a few years ago I had a bit of a breakdown when financially several big ticket items, costing several thousand dollars each all fell on us at the same time.  All were unavoidable.  And it broke me down.  I saw a therapist and started searching to figure out what life is all about.
You can read my other posts on gratitude, living the life of your dreams, and forgiveness, lessons I have been learning about on my quest.  This week I have been researching what basically boils down to the famous "Law of Attraction." The idea that you attract that which you think about or believe.  The theory would be that since I had been living in such a lack or "have-not" mentality, I was attracting more and more of the same.  I was getting exactly what I thought I deserved.  I wanted more, but didn't believe myself worthy of having it.  I was not good enough, smart enough, didn't have enough letters after my name, and didn't grow up in a wealthy family and therefore I would never get more.  I behaved in a way to get me just enough money to get buy.  Never more.  I got a paycheck and spent exactly all of it, like clockwork.  I didn't mingle with "rich" people, I didn't do things "rich" people would do.
So, if the theory is that you must believe in abundance to attract abundance, I am sure as hell going to give it a shot.  I think the difficult piece is that you have to actually believe that you are worth it.  That I can have a cleaning lady and buy Victoria's Secret bras.  That I can spend the money on grass-finished beef from Whole Foods.  That I can buy a quality wrist brace to use when I work out- not the cheap one from Long's- an actual gymnast's wrist brace.  The tough part is not just saying it, but feeling it in your heart and in your gut, that yes, you are worth it, life is worth it, and those products are worth the money you are spending.  I believe I am ready for this now.  After a few years of saying that I am worth it, I truly now, believe that I am.  And I don't mind telling all of you that I am.  That my therapy and life coaching services will be worth the money that you will pay me, because it will change your life and you will wonder why you waited so long.  And with the money that I earn from the book that I write, the services I provide, and someday the retreat center that I will run I will get myself regular pedicures and manicures and haircuts and quality gifts for my husband and family.  I will buy plane tickets all over the place to visit people I haven't seen in too long.  I will tithe 10% to the charities, church and organizations of my choice.  I will support the people who are creating quality goods and services so that they can spend that money to pay it forward.
The miracle of it all is, that everything I need to make this happen is all there waiting for me.  Every time I put this theory to the test, it holds true.  The opportunities are always there.  I have to stop shying away from opportunities that present themselves and continue to live in the knowledge that I am valuable and worth it. I am remembering to ask for what I want and need.  I know you may not believe me.  I hope you can begin an experimental journey of your own.  I hope you continue to follow this blog to see what happens.  I'm excited to find out how this all turns out.
What is your experience with abundance?  Do you attract what you want into your life?  Do you know what you want out of life?  Comment below!

Can You Live the Life of Your Dreams?

Getting what we want out of life.  Is this even a possibility?  I didn't use to believe so.  I used to think that you just get a job, work all week, enjoy your life on the evenings, weekends and on vacation.  I used to think that life was hard and you only got to enjoy it sometimes, when you planned out some fun with friends.  I would just barely eke through the school day to get to volleyball, basketball, track, softball or theater practice and then I would get through that so I could go home and do homework and watch tv or pass out.  We were most certainly discouraged from laughing and enjoying ourselves in class and shouted at for being too loud in the hallways in between.  I took those habits with me to college.  Work hard all day in class, then work at job, then go home and study, watch tv or pass out.  Party hard on Thursdays (Ladies Night!  All you can drink until midnight!) and of course all Friday and Saturday nights.  You wound yourself up so tight all week long that when it was time to unwind things got a little, let's just say, out of hand.
Fast forward to going to school for my Master's degree and working at "real" jobs for another 10 years, in Hawaii for Pete's sake, and I was still only enjoying my life on the weekends.  We got two dogs, moved to the most beautiful beach in the world, got married and worked all week to earn too little money to go to the beach for a few hours on the weekends.

My Babies!!

A few years ago I went through one of those "perfect storm" times in my life.  We all go through them, sometimes more than once.  I was lucky that mine wasn't too devastating, although it felt like it at the time.  All in the span of a few months, we found out we owed 4000 dollars on our taxes, our dog hurt his leg and we had to have expensive surgery if we wanted to fix it (our dog is our baby), Hawaii furloughed all State Employees (that's me!) and our mortgage insurance rate was due to go up in July.  I was super depressed, but I didn't realize it.  I was trying to "eat healthy" which mostly included counting calories because I was a bit overweight at the same time, and this was leaving me hungry and cranky.
I caved in and went to see a therapist.  It was one of the bravest and best moves of my life.  The poor guy was new to being a therapist, I think.  I went to go talk to him and I was all held together, and then I just started bawling.  He didn't have to say much of anything.  It was a starting point for me.  I had decided that I didn't want to live the way I was any more.
Fast forward again, to the year 2013.  I am 50 pounds lighter and a bazillion times happier.  I still work at my "real" job, but I have my license for Marriage and Family Therapy within my sights.  I have a group of amazing friends that take care of me and my amazing husband has been by my side through it all, through the ups and downs.

So who cares about all of the above?  The question that I am trying to answer, the theory that I am testing out is that you can live, not just a good life, but the life of your dreams.  So, it's great that I'll have my license soon and I can enjoy most days.  But what I really want is to love my job.  I want to be a life coach and a therapist and run a retreat center.  I want my family and friends to all live close to me.  I want to have an abundant amount of money and be able to fly around the world with my husband and dogs and maybe someday children.  I want there to be a farm nearby where animals are raised ethically and butchered humanely so I can feel good about my food choices.  I want to run retreats and speak publically and teach and coach.  I want to have unlimited choices in workouts and not have to worry about how much it costs.  I will do muay thai kickboxing and crossfit and gymnastics and dance.  I will feel Powerful, Clear, Connected, Energized, Supported and Free every day.

Is this possible?  For the first time in my life, I think it is.  I feel that it is.  The experiment is underway.  I will keep my sights on what I want and live joyfully in the present moment.  I will find a balance in my day to day life and I will move towards that dream life.  And I will prove that it is possible.  Are you excited?  I sure am.  Hope you join me.  What's your dream?

Day 4 of Miracle Creation

Each moment you choose love over fear is a miracle. - Gabrielle Bernstein, May Cause Miracles.

Our book club has been working through the May Cause Miracles book.  Some of us are on day 4, some on day 3.  I like the way the first couple of days are very simple.  The first day, being willing to witness your fear, was a powerful one.  You don't do anything about it, you don't judge.  You just see it.  Today's exercise had you go back to your day 1 journal entry and write about your fears from a perspective of gratitude.  This one was more difficult than I thought.  I've worked through a lot of stuff over the past couple of years, but it's always interesting to uncover that next layer that you weren't aware of.  For instance, my resolution for this year was to do my best to eat healthy without doing a challenge.  Instead I was going to keep in mind the Core Desired Feelings I came up with while reading Danielle Laporte's Fire Starter Sessions.  This has turned out to be a fabulous idea.  I have not felt the drive to jump on the scale and see if it moved.  I have not felt the fear that if I eat a pancake, I would be betraying myself and my body and the paleo gods!  Instead I pack my regular breakfast and lunch.  I make myself dinner.  When I am offered something outside of what I consider to be "real food" I say go for it!  You can eat whatever you want.  And I also think, is this going to make you feel Clear, Connected, Powerful, Energized, and Free?  The answer is not always the same.  A co-worker really wanted me to taste some jelly she made from scratch.  I said yes, I would taste it for her, because she means a lot to me (connected) and it was yummy!  But very often my answer is "No thankyou, I don't eat that anymore."  What does this have to do with my fears?  Well, writing today I realized that now that we've been in the New Year for quite sometime, and I've been feeling pretty darn excellent for a good 50 some odd days.  That sounds wonderful!  The fear that pops up for me is, how long do I get to enjoy this?  When will the balloon pop and send me crashing back down to reality?
Too often we get caught up in the emotions of others.  I hear over and over again that it won't last.  That something will happen.  And I have to remind myself that stuff has been happening.  I've just been joyful while stuff is happening.  Being late to work and getting "scolded" or sitting up with my sick dog or having my husband barely able to breathe during Christmastime due to chemical pneumonia he picked up from the painters spraying cleaning solution while he was home.  All of our salt water fish dying, including the eel that just yesterday suicided out the back of the tank, again because the painters sprayed some chemicals into our house.  My mother not talking to me because of a disagreement.  My friend's cat dying while I sat with it.  A friend's breakup.  All of this happened since November time.  But through it all there has been a consistent sense of calm and trust.  Trust that everything is as it should be.  That we give things meaning- positive or negative- but otherwise they just are.  They just happen.
So being happy for this long feels great, but it also goes against everything I'm used to before learning from some great teachers.  I've always had the belief that we go through good times and bad times, that it cycles through.  The old beliefs are hard to shake.  They pop up when we least expect them.  So on Day 4 I recognize that my fear that some kind of downward cycle is on it's way.  And I'm just going to breathe in and breathe out.  And relax.  And question my thoughts when they come up.  And have a joyful day tomorrow and enjoy the delicious moment that is right now.

Facing Forward in 2013

New Year's Eve December 31, 2011

It's December 27 and we've been creeping closer and closer to the New Year.  I survived the December 21 apocalypse and the Christmas holiday without a scratch.  This year has been a wild ride.  Many changes have happened in my life and I feel like 2013 will be a continuation of this trend.  It has been a year of spiritual growth.  I went through many events that could have thrown me off kilter, but I feel like I have become more grounded, more "calm and centered" as my friend Keysa would say.  The overarching theme for the year of 2012 was my devouring of books, blogs, and webinars by life coaches, spiritual leaders, philosphers, wayfinders, team members and healers such as Martha Beck, Kyle Cease, Regena Thomashaur, Kitty Cavalier, Byron Katie, Oprah, Tama Kieves, Lissa Rankin, Amy Ahlers, Lisa Nichols, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson and Iyanla Vanzant.  I feel like 2012 was a year of focusing on my life's purpose and my calling in life.  I have become more clear on who I am and how I want to be in this life.  It has been a year of recognizing that it's not what happens to us, in fact our circumstances have nothing at all to do with the kind of life we have.  Instead it is our reaction, what story we choose to believe about it, how we react and how we choose to feel about the event.
2012 in review:

My Sister and I Smize

My 2012 began with a bang because my little sister, Anna, still lived with me.  She brought some energy and change into my life when she moved in with my husband and I in November 2011 and her energy and spirit were drove me full speed ahead into the new year.  We hiked and danced and fruit ninja ed and ate and dressed up and took the doggies for long walks.  Nathan even started the new year off with a couple of hikes with us.  January I also joined Crossfit Kailua and the amount of strength that I have gained over the year with the encouragement of my workout buddy Keysa (and Anna before she left), and my coaches is quite impressive, since I only workout twice a week with supplemental weekend hikes.  I started a paleo challenge in March and actually won 2nd place.  And Keysa won 3rd!  Awesome.

But in the spring time Anna moved away.  Sadness!  Seriously, very sad.  She moved on to South Carolina, but I'm hoping she hates it so much she'll move back here for a while.  We'll see.

At some point I began to watch reruns of Oprah's Lifeclass.  Those are life changers, holy moly!  Seriously, I began to have some major moments of clarity and some momentous gaining of perspective over my life.  It sent me scrambling for books and blogs by her guests starting with Iyanla Vanzant, who I love.  The perspective I gained from these classes I think helped me through starting at a new location at my job.  It was a tough transition, the culture of the school is very different than what I was used to.  It was difficult to manage the micromanagement, but I was able to stay calm without dissolving into tears.  I was able to step back and think before I agreed (or disagreed) to any commands given.

Hiking with my Best Friends

In October I took a life changing class called "Finding Your Calling" with Lissa Rankin, Martha Beck and Amy Ahlers.  It was the first time I have ever paid for a class by a "life coach."  It was amazing, intense and life-altering.  Did I mention it changed my life?  I became a part of an inspiring group of healers and entrepreneurs that I continue to keep in touch with.  A bazillion brilliant statements were made during these classes and I keep learning more and more as I go back and listen to the recordings.  The main thing is that I began to believe in myself.  Not the type of excitement that amps you up while the infomercial is playing but fades when it's over.  They kind that you feel in your bones, your gut, your heart.  I began to see and hear and feel what I want out of life.  Not the superficial things.  What I really want.  How I want to feel day to day, what kind of changes I want to make in the world.  What I want my legacy to be, what I want written on my tombstone.  The real stuff.  How I want you to remember me.  Ooh, it gives me chills all over again just thinking about it.

Sullivan Christmas Group Hug

So from this class I've had some real perspective shifts.  When I got pulled over speeding on H3, I totally got to enjoy the whole thing.  I got to look the police officer in the eye and thank him for doing his job.  I got to live through bouncing multiple checks all at the same time due to a mistake I made, and take a deep breath and not freak out.  And it was okay.  I paid some late fees.  The world did not end.  My dog got pancreatitis and lay next to me shivering, wanting me to fix his pain.  I didn't freak out.  I held him, I took him to the vet.  I got him his meds.  And I got to stay calm and help him instead of being anxious and scared and angry.  And yesterday, when my dear friend's cat died I didn't run away.  I was freaked out, but I stayed with him while he took his last breath and talked to my friend and brushed him with his favorite brush.  It was the saddest thing I've ever witnessed, he was a great cat, an old cat and he helped my friend through some really hard times.  But I didn't run away and hide, and I didn't freak out.  I stayed with him and tried to stay calm so it would be easier on him.

Warrior Dash, 2012

During the "Finding Your Calling" class Martha Beck walked us through a guided meditation that has helped me immensely in times like this.  You start out standing in a hurricane, watching the wind and waves and destruction happen.  Then you become just a speck of consciousness, a being that can watch, hear and sense the destruction but not be affected by it.  The wind and waves and rain go through you and you are untouched.  Then you drop down a rope into the ocean and you follow it down into the churning waves, and deeper, deeper and the water gets calmer and quieter as you go down.  All the way to the bottom where it is silent, so quiet that whales communicate to each other across miles at this depth.  And here you anchor your rope.  Your consciousness is still above water in the intense energy that is a hurricane and at the same time you are anchored in this peaceful, calm depth of ocean.  At any time you can grab onto this rope to ground yourself, to remind yourself that there is a part of you that is always calm and peaceful.  I mentally grab onto this rope often.  It might be the lesson of the year for me.

Swamp Romp, 2012

Parkour!

Finally, this morning I read a chapter of The Fire Starter Sessions, by Danielle Laporte.  Session 5, Facing Forward.  It talks about being "stuck in the past and chronically complaining about our present."  It struck a chord for me as I look towards the New Year's celebration in a couple of days and I consider what my resolution should be.  And I think Facing Forward might be my theme for 2013.  To stop getting stuck in the past.  To tell my stories from a place of love, learning and humor.  And to spend most of my time facing the present, what I do have and how I can build on that.  What my current obstacles are and how I can get past them.  How I can live every day of this year striving to feel Powerful, Energized, Connected, Clear and Free, my "Core Desired Feelings" (another Danielle Laporte concept).  Every day looking forward.

In the comments, please leave your thoughts on what your resolutions might be this coming year as well as adding any names of Spiritual and Life Leaders I may have missed in the above paragraphs.