"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different"- heard on Oprah, although she may have just been re-quoting the above from Jack Kornfield.
I was reading the introduction chapter to "Week 4, Relationships" in Gabby Bernstein's book, May Cause Miracles. It triggered a bit of an "aha" moment and so I went back to the first week, Day 5, where she first spoke about the idea of the "F" word. She says, "Practicing forgiveness allows us to let go of our old fear-based past and center into the present moment." It brought to me the memory of listening to Iyanla Vanzant on Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant Live from St. Louis: Stopping the Pain discuss forgiveness and how we get stuck in our old stories. It gave me chills, she was interviewing an addict, Steve, who kept telling his negative story over and over and that's what he identified with. I didn't re-watch the video, so I don't remember the exact words that she used, but her lesson of letting go of our stories to move on was a life-changing one.
I think very often people get confused about forgiveness. It probably goes back to those lessons we learned in Kindergarten. I still see it constantly today, since I work at a school. "Mrs Robinson, he hit me!" "Bobby, tell Maria you're sorry." "Maria, I'm sorry." "It's okay, Bobby."
Anybody remember that scenario? As children, adults were constantly giving us the message that as soon as someone says they are sorry, we were to "forgive" them. And as good children we would play the story out by saying "It's okay" and shake hands or give hugs. It's not that this is a bad lesson, necessarily. It's just not complete. Whenever I come across this scenario I make sure to add a little more to it. It's important to tell our children that they can look someone in the eyes and say, "I didn't like what you did." When kids say to me, "He hit me (or whatever)" the first thing I ask is, "Did you tell him stop and that you didn't like it?" Sometimes I'll coach them through it, but I don't force it, if they are feeling hurt, but they've now heard that that is an option. I ask the puncher if he/she in fact hit the other one. Kids are awesome. They usually admit to it, usually with a "He/she did this first!" scenario. I have them look at each other and they will both apologize if they did something offensive or just one if it was unprovoked. Then I tell them that they do not have to be friends, but they have to be kind to each other and it's not okay to hit.
The difference in the two scenarios is that I'm giving power back to the "victim." I don't want our kids to think that whenever someone hits them or otherwise offends them, all they can do is find someone else, who will make it stop and make you be friends again. I want our kids to know that they can be strong, speak up for themselves and forgive, but not in a way that allows the other person to victimize them over and over again.
Now, given our incomplete lessons in our childhood about forgiveness, I can understand why someone would not want to forgive an abusive parent or partner, the person who is responsible for causing harm to their child, a shooter who goes into a school and opens fire. "Seriously, forgive this person? They said they're sorry, and I say, "It's okay?" I don't think so, how about I tell them to fuck off instead?" That is how I imagine this conversation to go. No, we do not want to tell an abusive parent or partner, the person who is responsible for causing harm to their child, a shooter who goes into a school and opens fire, "Oh, don't worry about it, it's okay, let's move on and be friends." No, it's not okay. It was wrong. An innocent person was taken advantage of or caused serious harm. That is never "okay."
So what the hell is all this business about forgiveness? Why would you ever want to forgive someone who took advantage of you or another innocent person? What about a child molester or rapist? What about the parents who kill their own children? It is important first, to get clear about what forgiveness is.
Forgiveness is not about smoothing over something and being friends again. It's about speaking up for what we need, doing something about it and getting our power back. Part of getting our power back is releasing the story.
When a sudden trauma or offense happens we get a rush of adrenaline, norepiniphrine and cortisol and all other kinds of sciency biological things that give us a rush of energy. The energy helps us get through the event. Our bodies get pumped full of stuff that will help us if we need to fight someone off or run. This is great and very helpful if there is actually something to fight or run away from. The problems begin to arise after the fact when we replay the story out loud or in our minds. Our brains can't really tell the difference, that you're just retelling a story and so the remembering is accompanied by another rush of those stress hormones and we get a kick of energy as if it's happening right now. We also get a lot of attention from others when we have a good story and the more wronged you were or the more gory, scary, sad and upsetting the scenario, the more attention you get. And so we tell the story again and again, and often the story is embellished or given more detail. This is only a small piece of the puzzle, and I am only diving very briefly into how these stories get stuck in our minds, in a very basic way. There is obviously way more to trauma and anxiety than this. Please, if you need to know more, check the listing of some helpful websites I've added below and feel free to add information in the comments section.
I believe in general, in life, if something is enhancing your life, increasing your happiness, bringing you closer to your purpose and your joy, then you should keep it. If something is giving you an icky feeling, bringing you down, causing you to be negative towards yourself and others, get rid of it or change it. Here's where forgiveness and storytelling come together.
Forgiveness is simply a willingness to heal. The moment you decide that you don't want to stay sick anymore. Forgiveness is the moment you stop telling the same story and allow a new story to unfold. The quote from Oprah, "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different." really does it for me. Our storytelling so often focuses on the negative and part of us wants the story (which, again, our brains react to as if it's happening right now) to be different. But it already happened. There is no changing the past. There is no time machine to take us back and we retell the story over and over wishing it could be different and the "shoulds" pop into our heads. I should have stood up for myself/made a phone call/escaped the situation/said something more clever.
It's like every time someone asks me about 9/11 and the terrorist attacks, I have to pull out the same magazine article and read it to you hoping the ending will be different. The article outlines the facts, the timeline, the personal stories of every survivor, the experts' opinions on why the terrorists did what they did, the phone calls made by the passengers in the planes, the images of the twin towers in smoke before they fell, and the fear that the world felt in the aftermath. Every time you ask me about 9/11 I pull the article from my back pocket, unfold it and read and every time it's the same and my brain reacts like it's happening right now and I get stressed out and wish things were different. The terrorists shouldn't have done this, the world should be different, my friend/family member shouldn't have been in New York, or even for some people, the survivor's guilt of why was it them and not me?
Forgiveness is simply a willingness to heal. The moment you decide that you don't want to stay sick anymore. Forgiveness is the moment you stop telling the same story and allow a new story to unfold. What if, in this example, you ask me about that day, I simply tell you that it was a sad day that changed the world. And I go on to tell you about how amazing the people of New York City were that day. How they all calmly helped each other and evacuated without panic. How professionals of all backgrounds gathered in the City to help in any way they could, free of charge. How I have decided that I will not let the terrorists scare me away from flying and that they did not win. They thought they were coming here to scare America into submission, but we did not fall. Their planes did not all hit targets because brave passengers became superheroes that day. What if, instead of retelling the horrors, I focused on the positive. In this example, it would be like me pulling the old magazine article out of my pocket and leaving it folded. Acknowledging its existence, but then putting it back into my pocket, so I could focus on the positive, and the present. Telling a different story does not take away those thoughts and images that are still there in that article, but I don't have to relive it.
Forgiveness is for you. It is not for the other person. I forgive the terrorists who flew those planes because I need to move on with my life. What happens/happened to them is up to God and our governments. Forgiving terrorists does not mean accepting terrorism. It doesn't matter if they know that I forgave them or not. It has nothing to do with them. Am I saying that event was okay? No way. But if I continue to unfold that magazine article over and over again, I will never move on. And then the terrorist wins. If I can forgive those terrorists, I can forgive anyone. And move on and create a positive present and future.
Do you have any events in your life that you have stories you can't let go of? Bad relationships, car accidents, trauma? Do you pull that article out every time you think about it? Is it possible for you to acknowledge it and put it back where it belongs? Can you tell a new story with the focus on now? What are your thoughts? Please share below.
A few helpful websites:
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
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