Gratitude, What Is It and Do You Want It?

It seems like the universe is telling me that gratitude is the lesson for the week.  All signs are steering me in that direction.

Gratitude is tricky business.  There's a lot of talk out there on Facebook, a lot of pics on Pinterest and a lot of tweeting on the Twitter, telling us that we should be grateful for what we have, and comparing us to others who have less.  I just opened up Pinterest, searched for gratitude and got a bazillion hits for this quote, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough." And this one, "Count your rainbows, not your thundershowers." Well, eww.  These don't make gratitude sound appealing.  Makes it sound like a chore.  I hate chores.  Wash the dishes, do your laundry, and while your at it, have some gratitude.  No, thankyou.

Have you ever been in this situation?  You're feeling really down in the dumps.  Life just kind of sucks for the moment.  You complain to someone with the hopes that they will a) just listen, or b) sympathize by telling you how much their life also sucks.  Instead, they tell you, usually in a super high pitch, insanely cheerful voice, to be grateful for the things you have.  There are others out there with less than you.  There's children in Africa who are starving!  Get over it!  Appreciate what you have!  Wow, okay.  There's fewer things in life that can drive a person into deeper depression than telling somebody who's extraordinarily sad that "You should be happy for what you have!"  Now, not only have you just bared your soul to someone who in return judged you and shoulded on you, but you have to do the pretend happy reply.  Double yuck.  So far, being grateful sounds stupid.  Most people are aware that they have good things in life, there's just some days that you feel down and in those moments, it's hard to focus on them.  Judging others for their feelings just adds another layer to the deep sadness. So we hear it everywhere we go, but what is gratitude?  What does having it really mean?  Is it something we truly want to seek?

Our culture has a habit of getting feelings mixed up.  Being grateful is not the same as being happy.  Or feeling outrageous joy.  They can go hand in hand, and it feels great when they do.  But you can be grateful without happiness.  People have good intentions when they give gratitude advice.  I think humans in general get the idea that when we are thinking about happy things, we are happier people.  So we give the advice, just think happy thoughts! Yay!  Not so easy when your thoughts are in the dumps.

We've all been there, we're in a bad mood and one negative thought after another takes over your brain.  You're on a roll.  You're tired, then you spill your coffee, then you're late to work, and it just piles on you.  The truth is your ego (the judgy part of yourself) digs this stuff.  We don't want to admit it, but there's a part of us that doesn't want to feel better in those moments.  We get so into it.  Your ego loves to compare you to others.  It hates living in the moment.  It likes to think about the future and how sucky it's going to be.  And it likes to review the morning's conversation you had with your boss where you tried to tell a bad lie about why you are late.  It is most comfortable replaying the sad, depressing scenes over and over.  It tells you that you are in need, that others have things you don't, and that you will never get what you want in life because you are an IMPOSTER!

The ego is an asshole.

This is why actual gratitude, not the Pollyanna fake happy version, is a great place to start when you are
feeling down.  You have to shake off your ego.  It's got a vice like grip, but you can trick it into letting go, one finger at a time.  Your ego is stuck on all of the negative crap swirling around you and the only way to make that stop, is to think about something positive.  But you have to start small.  You have to throw it off, feint to the left and jab and jab and show it some fancy footwork before you sock it in the face.  You have to get your brain thinking about the positive.  Gratitude is a simple admission that something in your life, right at this moment, does not suck.  You can start small.   You can't go straight for the I have a loving partner and family and friends that love me.  You gotta go slow, get a positive thought or two in and then build.

The first thing you need to do is stop, and state or think out an intention that you are going to now do something to make yourself feel better.  This isn't something you can do while multitasking.  Stop what you're doing.  It won't take long.

Next, look around you.  Pick an object in your field of vision.  Are you grateful for that thing?  Right now I see a Lacrosse ball.  I don't have much feeling for that, so I'll swing around to something else.  Ah, my May Cause Miracles book.  This is something that I can admit in this moment, does not suck.  In fact, the words inside it have given me much to think about.  Okay, keep looking.  Floss.  Hell, no.  I hate flossing.  Next! My sewing box!  It has my favorite sewing scissors inside of it.  I've had it for a long time.  I've fixed a lot of clothes with the items in that box.

If you're feeling it now, if you're in the groove, keep going!  Yes!  That spray can of sunscreen!  I love spray sunscreen because I'm too lazy to rub in sunscreen!  The remote control!  Who is not grateful of the great remote control that allows me so much power with just the move of a finger.  A black pen!  My Iphone charger!  These are things that I can be grateful for.

If you're not feeling it, find at least three things.  Force your mind to find a reason to be grateful.  Your ego has a really strong grip and it is hanging on for dear life, but you can overcome.

If you are reading this, then the universe has guided you to this page.  Take a moment, right now, to do the above exercise.   Forget the big stuff.  Just look around.  Maybe there are items in your life you are grateful for.  If this is very, very hard for you, then just shut your eyes.  Breathe in and out.  Take a moment to appreciate the air that moves in and out of your lungs without any guidance from you.  Put your hand over your heart and take a moment to consider that your heart moves the blood and oxygen through your veins.  Your body is providing for you right now.  You are being provided for.  You don't have to do anything in return. For now, just let your body do the work for you.  You are valuable, you have purpose.  You are loved.

Were you able to find anything you were grateful for? Please tell us in the comments below.

"The fear voice of your ego will resist gratitude at all costs.  The ego loves to seek problems and focus on what we don't have.  Understanding you're ego's resistance will help you as you build your gratitude muscles and unleash your appreciation.  Trust that the feeling of gratitude is stronger than fear."- Gabrielle Bernstein, May Cause Miracles

"Experiencing gratitude is one of the most effective ways of getting in touch with your soul. When you’re in touch with your soul, you eavesdrop on the thoughts of the universe. You feel connected to everything in creation. You embrace the wisdom of uncertainty and you sense yourself as a field of infinite possibilities."- from Gratitude Is the Highest Point of View by Deepak Chopra

"Gratitude is an expression of appreciation.  We want to treat others the way we want to be treated."- Nathan Preston, LMFT

Some visionaries I love and their perspectives on gratitude:

Lissa Rankin- The Prescription for Gratitude

Danielle LaPorte- The How-To’s of Small, Specific, Genuine (and Publicly Declared) Gratitude

Oprah- The Power of Gratitude

Oprah and Lifeclass Teachers: Mastering the Art of Gratitude

Deepak Chopra- Ask Deepak - How Gratitude Creates Abundance Consciousness

The "F" Word

"Forgiving means giving up all hope for a better past," - Jack Kornfield, PhD

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different"- heard on Oprah, although she may have just been re-quoting the above from Jack Kornfield.

I was reading the introduction chapter to "Week 4, Relationships" in Gabby Bernstein's book, May Cause Miracles.  It triggered a bit of an "aha" moment and so I went back to the first week, Day 5, where she first spoke about the idea of the "F" word.  She says, "Practicing forgiveness allows us to let go of our old fear-based past and center into the present moment."  It brought to me the memory of listening to Iyanla Vanzant on Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant Live from St. Louis: Stopping the Pain discuss forgiveness and how we get stuck in our old stories.  It gave me chills, she was interviewing an addict, Steve, who kept telling his negative story over and over and that's what he identified with.  I didn't re-watch the video, so I don't remember the exact words that she used, but her lesson of letting go of our stories to move on was a life-changing one. 


I think very often people get confused about forgiveness.  It probably goes back to those lessons we learned in Kindergarten.  I still see it constantly today, since I work at a school.  "Mrs Robinson, he hit me!"  "Bobby, tell Maria you're sorry."  "Maria, I'm sorry."  "It's okay, Bobby."  

Anybody remember that scenario?  As children, adults were constantly giving us the message that as soon as someone says they are sorry, we were to "forgive" them.  And as good children we would play the story out by saying "It's okay" and shake hands or give hugs.  It's not that this is a bad lesson, necessarily.  It's just not complete.  Whenever I come across this scenario I make sure to add a little more to it.  It's important to tell our children that they can look someone in the eyes and say, "I didn't like what you did."  When kids say to me, "He hit me (or whatever)" the first thing I ask is, "Did you tell him stop and that you didn't like it?"  Sometimes I'll coach them through it, but I don't force it, if they are feeling hurt, but they've now heard that that is an option.  I ask the puncher if he/she in fact hit the other one.  Kids are awesome.  They usually admit to it, usually with a "He/she did this first!" scenario.  I have them look at each other and they will both apologize if they did something offensive or just one if it was unprovoked.  Then I tell them that they do not have to be friends, but they have to be kind to each other and it's not okay to hit.  

The difference in the two scenarios is that I'm giving power back to the "victim."  I don't want our kids to think that whenever someone hits them or otherwise offends them, all they can do is find someone else, who will make it stop and make you be friends again.  I want our kids to know that they can be strong, speak up for themselves and forgive, but not in a way that allows the other person to victimize them over and over again.  

Now, given our incomplete lessons in our childhood about forgiveness, I can understand why someone would not want to forgive an abusive parent or partner, the person who is responsible for causing harm to their child, a shooter who goes into a school and opens fire.  "Seriously, forgive this person?  They said they're sorry, and I say, "It's okay?"  I don't think so, how about I tell them to fuck off instead?"  That is how I imagine this conversation to go.  No, we do not want to tell an abusive parent or partner, the person who is responsible for causing harm to their child, a shooter who goes into a school and opens fire, "Oh, don't worry about it, it's okay, let's move on and be friends."  No, it's not okay.  It was wrong.  An innocent person was taken advantage of or caused serious harm.  That is never "okay."  

So what the hell is all this business about forgiveness?  Why would you ever want to forgive someone who took advantage of you or another innocent person?  What about a child molester or rapist?  What about the parents who kill their own children?  It is important first, to get clear about what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is not about smoothing over something and being friends again.  It's about speaking up for what we need, doing something about it and getting our power back.  Part of getting our power back is releasing the story.

When a sudden trauma or offense happens we get a rush of adrenaline, norepiniphrine and cortisol and all other kinds of sciency biological things that give us a rush of energy.  The energy helps us get through the event.  Our bodies get pumped full of stuff that will help us if we need to fight someone off or run.  This is great and very helpful if there is actually something to fight or run away from.  The problems begin to arise after the fact when we replay the story out loud or in our minds.  Our brains can't really tell the difference, that you're just retelling a story and so the remembering is accompanied by another rush of those stress hormones and we get a kick of energy as if it's happening right now.  We also get a lot of attention from others when we have a good story and the more wronged you were or the more gory, scary, sad and upsetting the scenario, the more attention you get.  And so we tell the story again and again, and often the story is embellished or given more detail.  This is only a small piece of the puzzle, and I am only diving very briefly into how these stories get stuck in our minds, in a very basic way.  There is obviously way more to trauma and anxiety than this.  Please, if you need to know more, check the listing of some helpful websites I've added below and feel free to add information in the comments section.  

I believe in general, in life, if something is enhancing your life, increasing your happiness, bringing you closer to your purpose and your joy, then you should keep it.  If something is giving you an icky feeling, bringing you down, causing you to be negative towards yourself and others, get rid of it or change it.  Here's where forgiveness and storytelling come together.

Forgiveness is simply a willingness to heal.  The moment you decide that you don't want to stay sick anymore.  Forgiveness is the moment you stop telling the same story and allow a new story to unfold.  The quote from Oprah, "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different." really does it for me.  Our storytelling so often focuses on the negative and part of us wants the story (which, again, our brains react to as if it's happening right now) to be different.  But it already happened.  There is no changing the past.  There is no time machine to take us back and we retell the story over and over wishing it could be different and the "shoulds" pop into our heads.  I should have stood up for myself/made a phone call/escaped the situation/said something more clever.  

It's like every time someone asks me about 9/11 and the terrorist attacks, I have to pull out the same magazine article and read it to you hoping the ending will be different.  The article outlines the facts, the timeline, the personal stories of every survivor, the experts' opinions on why the terrorists did what they did, the phone calls made by the passengers in the planes, the images of the twin towers in smoke before they fell, and the fear that the world felt in the aftermath.  Every time you ask me about 9/11 I pull the article from my back pocket, unfold it and read and every time it's the same and my brain reacts like it's happening right now and I get stressed out and wish things were different.  The terrorists shouldn't have done this, the world should be different, my friend/family member shouldn't have been in New York, or even for some people, the survivor's guilt of why was it them and not me?   

Forgiveness is simply a willingness to heal.  The moment you decide that you don't want to stay sick anymore.  Forgiveness is the moment you stop telling the same story and allow a new story to unfold.  What if, in this example, you ask me about that day, I simply tell you that it was a sad day that changed the world.  And I go on to tell you about how amazing the people of New York City were that day.  How they all calmly helped each other and evacuated without panic.  How professionals of all backgrounds gathered in the City to help in any way they could, free of charge.  How I have decided that I will not let the terrorists scare me away from flying and that they did not win.  They thought they were coming here to scare America into submission, but we did not fall.  Their planes did not all hit targets because brave passengers became superheroes that day.  What if, instead of retelling the horrors, I focused on the positive.  In this example, it would be like me pulling the old magazine article out of my pocket and leaving it folded.  Acknowledging its existence, but then putting it back into my pocket, so I could focus on the positive, and the present.  Telling a different story does not take away those thoughts and images that are still there in that article, but I don't have to relive it.  

Forgiveness is for you.  It is not for the other person.  I forgive the terrorists who flew those planes because I need to move on with my life.  What happens/happened to them is up to God and our governments.  Forgiving terrorists does not mean accepting terrorism.  It doesn't matter if they know that I forgave them or not.  It has nothing to do with them.  Am I saying that event was okay?  No way.  But if I continue to unfold that magazine article over and over again, I will never move on.  And then the terrorist wins.  If I can forgive those terrorists, I can forgive anyone.  And move on and create a positive present and future.  

Do you have any events in your life that you have stories you can't let go of?  Bad relationships, car accidents, trauma?  Do you pull that article out every time you think about it?  Is it possible for you to acknowledge it and put it back where it belongs?  Can you tell a new story with the focus on now?  What are your thoughts?  Please share below.

A few helpful websites:
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)- Anxiety Disorders 

Find a Therapist near you

Oprah's Lifeclasses

Lissa Rankin on Forgiveness

Deepak Chopra Video on Forgiveness

Gabrielle Bernstein Vlog on Forgiveness in Relationships

And an interesting perspective from Martha Beck- When to Forgive and When to Hold a Grudge

Look into my Eyes

When you are out in the real world, in the grocery store, walking down the street, driving around in your car, or at work, how often do you look other people in the eyes?  Eye contact, or lack thereof, is an important non-verbal communication tool.  The message given by eye contact varies in different cultures, for instance in Japan children are taught to look at a person's neck or tie region as a sign of respect, whereas in the Western culture children are told to "look at me when I'm speaking to you!"  I personally grew up as a person who preferred not to look anyone in the eyes.  I avoided eye contact as much as possible and this helped me fade into the background since I was so shy.  Because of this I have always been very conscious of the effects that making direct eye contact has.

What's Taylor trying to tell you?

For example:
As a child I knew that if I didn't look at my teacher, they were less likely to call on me.  It conveyed the message that either I wasn't paying attention or that I didn't want to talk.  If I knew the answer and wanted to be called on (almost never) I would look at my teacher in the eyes and hope to get their attention (I was not a hand raiser).
What I learned:
Looking someone in they eye conveys the message that a conversation is welcome.  Avoiding eye contact conveys the message that you would prefer not to engage.

As a child, when I had a crush on a boy, the most intense feeling in the world came over me when they looked me directly in the eyes.  It was a combination of pure terror and hope.  It was an invitation to talk to me.  On the other hand, because eye contact meant an invitation to engage in conversation or activity and I didn't know what to do when that happened, I was so shy and terrified of boys that I avoided their eye contact like the plague.  Needless to say, my relationships were non-existent until high school.
What I learned:
This probably isn't a surprise to a lot of women, but eye contact is a huge flirting tool.  A quick internet search pulled up this whole article on 10 Subtle Eye Contact Flirting Moves That Work.  And I can almost guarantee that Kitty Cavalier would have some heart stopping seduction tips just using eye contact.

As a child, I was told not to stare when someone had a handicap.  I was told that it was rude to stare when someone was different than me.  Unfortunately, because I was very good at doing what I was told and not very good at figuring out that some adults don't know what they're talking about, I learned to be afraid to look at anyone who had something different.  I thought I was being respectful by ignoring blemishes and skin color and casts and crutches.  I went so far as to not talk to them at all and because of this I missed out on a lot of possible relationships.
What I learned:
Avoiding eye contact conveys the message that you don't want to engage.  Ultimately, what I was doing was telling anyone different than me that I was not interested in engaging in conversation.  Luckily as I grew up I began to discover that people with blemishes, different skin color, casts, and crutches don't want to be ignored.  People love to talk about themselves.  But above all we need to know that we are seen.  That we are noticed.  I was telling them non-verbally that I didn't want to be friends!  That I was too good for them!  That's horrifying to me!  Nowadays, I don't look away when I pass someone in a wheel chair, when I pass by a homeless man on the street, when a woman walks by with shaved hair, or any other situation that I would have been told as a child not to stare.  I look directly into their eyes, and give a smile or nod.  Sometimes I get an avoidance reaction, but more often than not I get a surprised grin back.  Especially when it's a child.  Children glow when they are noticed.

After the Sandy Hook tragedy in December 2012, I wrote a blog about reconnecting with the world.  I wanted to revisit this because I think it is so important in this day and age, when children spend 80% of their time connected to technology instead of people.  It is a lonely day when people walk by you without looking at you.  It makes you feel invisible.  It doesn't matter how many "likes" you get on Facebook when the real people in your life don't know how to give you attention.

I started a challenge on that blog that I have continued into the New Year.  I have been very aware of my eye contact.  I make an effort every day now to make sure that I look somebody in the eyes, who before I might have avoided.  When I walk my dogs around my neighborhood I get a lot of chances to experiment.  My favorite reactions are from the elderly carrying their groceries or walking their dogs.  Especially the older gentlemen.  A look in the eyes combined with a big smile from a lady is obviously a great boost to their day.  I don't care how disgruntled I may look in the morning, how messed up my hair is, how dumpy my pajama outfit is, I get huge grins back.

It is also hugely rewarding to give children a big smile.  Sometimes they look at you confused, like, who is this stranger?  But often I get these enormous grins.  Kids faces light up.  They run up to me and want to tell me about their day, pet my dogs and show me their sparkly new shoes.  There is a joy that beams out of them, that they have been seen!  I usually take this opportunity to tell the kids to check in with their parents before coming to talk to me, and voila!  This child has just had a really important learning experience.  We need to all pay attention to the children, so that they aren't so easily confused by people who mean them harm.

So to sum it all up, we should all be giving each other more eye contact.  Don't be afraid to experiment.  Look at that person you are sharing the elevator with.  Look at your grocery store cashier.  Smile big at your waitress.  Give a nod to the library security guard.  Give that older gentleman who always looks so grouchy a lovely grin.  And for the people in your life that you love, seriously look them in the eyes.  If you're really close, grab their head, pull them nose to nose and don't look away.  They deserve your attention.  What you do after that is up to you, hugs and kisses are highly recommended.

Do you feel like eye contact is important?  Are you a person that avoids or do you create connections across the land?  Would love to hear your answers in the comments section!

Juggling My Resolutions

This year I am mostly focusing on manifesting my Core Desired Feelings (see Danielle Laporte's work) in every moment, in the present as well as focusing on these in both my short and long-term goals.  This, so far, has been going splendidly.  Especially when it comes to pausing in my day to see if I am manifesting those feelings RIGHT NOW.  And if not, I do something that will.  I suppose it's either human nature or because I am new at this, but because everything has been so lovely, I'm having difficulty focusing on my strategy.  I know in life that I have a list of things I would like to work towards, but are going to take some time.  I would like to be more spiritual, more minimalistic in my lifestyle, eat what my body needs, avoid toxins, play more, and move my employment from a "job" that I do to something that will knock my own socks right off.  This is quite a bit to work on.  When I think about it all together, it becomes a bit overwhelming.  When I remember to stay present, to focus on one thing at a time, it provokes a lot less anxiety.  Even so, in every moment I have to think about which part of this I want to focus on.  At my current job, I have to do my job.  This is where it's the easiest.  I have certain things that I need to do, so while I am doing then I do my best to present in the moment and complete all tasks to the best of my ability.  It's been fun figuring out how to do it with a good attitude.
Then I have a break.  Here's where I have been playing it by ear.  Do I study for my MFT licensure exam?  Passing this exam will get me closer to having freedom in employment.  It's a worthwhile expenditure of my time.  Should I meditate?  This will center me, bring me back to the present moment, strengthen my spirituality.  Have a snack?  Sometimes I forget.  I am doing my best to feed my body healthy food before I become ravenously hungry.  Do something fun?  Should I fantasize about what my dream job will look like?  Use the restroom?  Do some pushups?  Read an inspirational blog?
I know that all of these are acceptable.  I am the type of person that gets very excited and animated when it comes to new things.  I have since the new year started the May Cause Miracles book and am following the 40 day program with a group of friends in a book club.  I am studying for my licensure exam which I will be taking in May.  I am reading very slowly the book A Course in Miracles.  I am following a blog about minimalism and reading all things Mark Sisson, Robb Wolf, Lissa Rankin, Martha Beck, Dr. Mercola, etc.   The only problem with this is that I can't do everything at once.
Putting this into writing is extraordinarily helpful for me.  As I write this I am constantly having ideas about what I can do to make things simpler.  Today I will sit down and create a priority list.  Like a breaktime map.  It will probably start with a brief meditation.  What do you all think about this?  What tools do you use to keep your life simple and manageable?