Living a Happy Life- It's not about luck.

As we come upon the end of the year and look forward to the next, the posts about how to improve your life are taking over social media.  And in response I've seen many posts about how annoying it is to have those posts pop up all over the place.  I enjoy reading both sides, the ones outlining activities and practices that lead to more positivity and those convinced that those people should just shut up.  What really entertains me is the comments at the end.  I am floored by the numbers of people who take the time to comment.  And it saddens me to see how many people are convinced that happiness and joy are out of reach.  I understand that these articles often come off with a Pollyanna vibe, like it's supposed to be easy.  "10 Easy Steps to Joy!"  And if you are currently in a depressive state, reading the easy fixes like, "Smile more!" might make you want to punch someone.    The truth of the matter is that Joy and Happiness are not easy to come by. Not at first.  Especially when you're out of practice.  The people writing these articles have usually taken years of practice to come by their current state of calm, peace or joy.  They didn't just "smile more" for a day and then BAM, HAPPINESS!  It is not easy, and it doesn't happen quickly.  But it CAN happen.  One of the first steps is to figure out if you even believe it's possible, despite your present circumstances in life.  You can be in exactly the same circumstances that you are in now and have a more peaceful, calm, even joyful state of mind.  Another thing to realize, is that being happy or joyful despite your circumstances does not mean that now you become a passive floater in life.  The people writing these articles are not simply running down the shore of the beach in the sun all day.  That might be a part of their day and all the power to them!  They take the time to have fun.  But they are also feeding their families, paying their bills, writing blog posts, putting their effort into the projects that they care about.  They work hard.  They do not simply lie on the bed all day with a big grin on their faces.
I know, because I'm one of those people who tend to write and share those positive posts.  I love to talk to people about how to live a more joyful life.  But the truth is, I didn't use to be this happy.  I used to be pretty miserable.  I went to my boring, stressful job, came home to my husband and dogs who I love very much, and made dinner and either worked out or worked on the computer and went to bed.  It wasn't a bad life.  If you had asked me then, I probably would have said I was pretty happy.  I enjoyed a lot of the things I was doing.  I was being paid well enough to continue to live in Hawaii, which is a beautiful place to be.  My husband took wonderful care of me and dogs give unconditional love, the best kind.  And yet, looking back, knowing how happy I am now, I see that I was "pretty happy" but also "pretty miserable" in probably equal amounts.  Good memories and moments of sadness, boredom, discontent.  And that feeling that I couldn't change it.
So I know.  I know what it's like to think to yourself that you should be happy because you have a great husband, family, dogs and for $#@$ sake you live in Hawaii.  I know what it's like to look at people with those beaming smiles and think they're faking it.  Believing that that level of happiness doesn't actually exist.  Believing that those people were trying to sell me something, their product, their website, something, and that when they were done convincing me how awesome it was, they were going to go home and collapse into an exhausted heap of human, spent after spending the day trying to keep up that level of deception.  I believed that it wasn't possible.
Seeing a therapist in 2010 was a big change for me.  I stopped trying to do things by myself.  And in that small act of asking for help from someone else, I became a little braver.  I decided that I didn't have much to lose by trying.  I decided to live an experimental life.  I decided to give it a shot and see if it was actually possible to enjoy the little things in life.  To see if, in fact, meditation works.  To test out whether or not those joy gurus were right.  I started to listen to "self-help" books and to experiment with prayer, yoga, meditation and mindfulness activities.  Even if I thought it was stupid at first.  In fact, when I started meditating, it was painful.  My mind raced, thinking of all of the more important activities I could be accomplishing, my legs hurt because I'm so inflexible, my back hurt because I don't like to sit up straight and they tell you you should.  Sometimes I would fall asleep, other times I would peek open my eyes to see how much time left I had on the clock.  But I gave it a shot.  I made a commitment to a week of meditation in the morning.  And slowly, in little tiny moments, I began to feel that inner peace.  Those moments of just being and nothing else.  Where all the pain in my body and all the painful thoughts were briefly not important.  In the beginning it was so short, but once you've felt that, you become a bit of an addict.  You want more.  And then I finally believed that those joy gurus could be right.  That feeling does exist.
At the same time I was exploring books on the subject.  If a book didn't interest me in the beginning, I stopped reading it.  I wasn't there to waste my time.  Over time I found a few people whose words touched me and hit a nerve.  Not everything they said was like that, but every once in a while there would be a statement that just zinged me from my head to my toes and landed in my heart.  And I knew, just knew it to be truth.  I felt it.  It was not logic, it was knowing.  It was similar to that feeling of just "being" during meditation.

Because I took the time to experiment, I allowed myself to be open to the possibility.  And I discovered it could be true.  And it took a long time.  A 10 minute meditation in the morning is long for me.  I still peek at the clock sometimes.  But there are times when I start to meditate and I drop into this wonderful state of calm and peace.  And I've come to a point where I can find that state during times of stress and frustration.  In traffic, in long lines at the supermarket, while one of the toddlers I work with is purposefully taking as long as physically possible to put his dish into the dish tray after lunch.  In these moments I can drop down into that feeling of relaxation.  And here's where I think we have led people astray.  Once I've reached that state, I don't just smile and say, "Oh, it's okay, do what you want" and pretend to smile blissfully.  I don't let people walk over me just because I'm able to stay calm.  Being peaceful and calm is not the same as being a push-over.  In those moments, though, I can clear my mind and think of something to keep me busy.  Instead of fuming about how slow the lady in front of me is, while she counts out 85 dollars worth of pennies and drops a handful on the floor, I can take a second to drop in the calm.  Then I can look around and see if there is a different line, I can see if the person behind me is friendly and wants to share a smile about the situation, or look at the cover of the Enquirer which is always entertaining.  And instead of being furious about the pennies on the floor, I can smile at the woman with arthritis, assist her in picking up pennies, and wish her happiness in her life.  The truth is, either way, the woman is going to pay her money for her groceries.  I can fume, I can help her, I can find another line.  When you are paying your mortgage bill, you can do it with a smile or a grimace, both cost the same.  When the child takes forever, you can make a calm decision about how to react.  Do I shout at him to hurry up?  Do I take the plate from him and do it myself?  Do I let him continue on so that a more important lesson of self-sufficiency is learned?  Can I use a gentle, but firm tone to remind him that we have something to do so going fast is important? mIs it more important to be fast or for him to do it himself?  I can decide in a calm state of mind instead of reacting in anger.
 So ask yourself a few questions.  Do you believe that happiness is possible?  Do you believe that being calm and peaceful would change you into a push over?  Do you think that once you accepted reality,  you would have no power to change it?  Leave your answers in the comments!
"Happiness is not circumstance." Marianne Williamson says this on an episode of SuperSoul Sunday.  And I truly believe this to be true.

A Year of Speaking Dangerously

I am watching Marie TV and she is interviewing Susan Cain, the author of "Quiet."  She mentioned that she used to be terrified of speaking publicly, but she knew that in order to get her message out, she would need to get over her fear.  So for a year she embarked on what she called her "Year of Speaking Dangerously,"  and it is amazing to me how just the right article/video/advice will come to you when you are looking for it.  I just yesterday mentioned to a few of my girlfriends that one of my goals for 2014 was to talk to more people.  I just started my busines, Oasis For Change, this year (I offer Life Coaching and Individual, Family, Child and Group Counseling services) and I now am at a point where I have to spread the message that my services are available.  For an introvert, this can be frightening.  When I think about networking the gremlins in my head start the negative talk.  "They'll laugh at you," "They will think you are dumb," "They will not understand what you are saying," "They will think your business is stupid and that you don't have anything to offer them."  The voices can be pretty brutal.  I am lucky that I don't have a fear of public speaking.  I don't mind getting up in front of a crowd anymore, which is a huge blessing.  I worked through that in college with a public speaking class.  I do, however, have a fear of small talk, both with people in person and on the phone.  And this is not helpful when it comes to making connections for your business.
Susan Cain talks to Marie about how she trained herself over the course of a year to speak in front of others.  She started small, talking in front of small, familiar groups and working her way to larger groups.  I am dedicating myself in 2014 to something similar, but instead of speaking publicly, although I will continue to practice this, I will begin to talk to everyone.  People at the library, at the grocery store, at the gym, I will make small talk with the grocery store clerks.

Cute Website Article

How about you?  Do you struggle with small talk?  Do you need to work on connections this year?  Let me know below if you will be joining me this year for a Year of Speaking Dangerously!!

Busting 2 Common Misconceptions about Meditation

For the 2013 New Year, one of my major resolutions that I have, surprisingly, kept up with is to work on my spirituality.  This has taken on the form of a lot of journaling, studying, taking classes, and the dreaded meditation.

Meditation.  I grew up in the Catholic church.  I know what it's like to sit still for a very long time without moving, sitting up straight, asking for guidance.  I am a child of the United States school system.  I have been told throughout my life to sit still and basically, shut up.  I have been poked by my mom to stop fidgeting, yelled at and scolded by my teachers that I need to get back into cross-legged position with the rest of the class.  They can do it, why can't you?  You can see why the prospect of choosing, of my own volition, in my own free time, to sit still for 20 minutes at a time without moving, praying or simply "not thinking" would make me want to run away screaming in terror.  I am a mover, a fidgeter, a do-er, a multi-tasker.  I don't sit well.

Cute kid, bored with sitting.  

So why try?  People I know, respect, and love recommended it.  They gave very good reasons for it like feeling grounded, calmer, more centered, more loving, and peaceful.  These things sound great!  Especially when your normal brain activity looks like a pinball machine.  The prospect of getting this under control, something that I'm generally only able to achieve when I am hyper-focused on an activity (sewing) or participating in some form of intense exercise.  I don't even like to play video games.  I get distracted.

I have had every intention of having a consistent meditation practice for probably the last 3 years.  Possibly more.  There have been many barriers to my lack of follow-through.  The biggest problem is that I had some misconceptions about meditation that held me back.  Here are some of the common ones and the truth I have discovered over time.

Don't think about this elephant!!

1. You have to clear your mind of all thoughts.  This one was a major block for me.  Tell someone to not think of an elephant and that's the only thing you can think of.  I didn't get it, how do you clear your mind?  And so I would do my best, sit there, clear my mind kind of, for a few milliseconds at a time and then go back to thinking about my to-do list.  Then I would berate myself for thinking and clear my mind again.  Rinse and repeat.  Sounds fun, right?

The truth is, there may be some people who can clear their minds.  Great for them.  All the more power to you.  I won't say I can't, because I don't like to limit myself to possibilities, but I'd say the likelihood of me getting hit by lightning or winning the lottery are just as good.  Instead, researching meditation, I discovered Guided Meditation and Mindfulness Meditation.  If you are ED (Easily Distracted) like I am, than these are for you.

Guided Meditation.  Listening to the right Guided Meditation is great.  Plug in your headset, find a website that offers guided meditations and get started.  A lovely voice (if you can't stand the voice of the meditation, find a new one, there's bazillions of them out there) will walk you through a meditation and tell you what to think about.  They tell you what you can think about and this is quite liberating.

Mindfulness Meditation.  Mindfulness meditation took a bit more practice.  Mindfulness meditation can be done listening to someone, or you can do it on your own.  There are some guided meditations that will walk you through it, and now that I've done it often enough, I can run my own rodeo.  I didn't realize, growing up, that my exercise was a meditation for me.  When you are working out really hard, you have to have your full attention on that thing.  If you are playing basketball and thinking about your test tomorrow, you will likely not play well.  When you have your full attention on your movements, your next play, the feel of the ball, your opponent, you are fully in the present moment.  And this is what mindfulness meditation is all about.  It is doing something with your full attention.  It can be done with anything.  One of my first introductions to this type of exercise was simply eating a raisin.  That's it.  But eating it slowly, first studying it in the palm of my hand, smelling it, feeling it.  Then slowly tasting it, squishing it in my mouth, moving it around, feeling the texture and putting my mind on the flavors.  Sounds funny, but it puts you in a very centered, present state of mind.  Now I try to do this often with whatever I'm doing.  Crossfit, writing an assessment, talking to a student, writing this blog, walking my dogs, journaling, dinner with friends, cooking, eating, driving, sex, everything.  And it makes every one of these activities way more enjoyable.

I highly recommend giving it a try.

Lotus Position

2. You have to sit still.  Wrong! Okay, even though I knew about Yoga, which is basically a moving meditation, for some reason I really thought that in order to meditate you had to sit cross-legged on the floor, in the lotus position, hands resting on your thighs, back straight as a board, somehow getting your feet up on your thighs (how do people do that?).  Just searching for the right term right now, several articles popped up, scaring me with their admonitions that one must sit still.  No! You sit still.  I will do what works for me.  Which is whatever keeps me meditating.

Above I talked about Guided Meditation and Mindfulness Meditation.  Mindfulness Meditation is one example of some of the possibilities of moving around when you meditate.  But what about a guided meditation where they tell you to find a comfortable position and don't freaking move?  Well, I've learned a little secret in life.  I can do whatever I want.  It's true.  Now this has greater meaning in my life, like, not limiting myself in my beliefs, figuring out what I truly want, and going for it.  But it also has great meaning in the little decisions in my life.  I no longer make decisions based on what I am supposed to do, rather I look at the result I would like to achieve.  If I'm deciding whether or not I'm going to work out, or eat a piece of cake, or how I'm going to meditate I think about the result that each action is going to bring.  If I do work out I will feel proud of myself, stronger and calmer, but tired.  If I don't work out I will feel rested, will have time to do something else, but may not be as calm and relaxed and strong.  Both are great options.  It just depends on what I'd like in that moment. Well, that was a bit of a sidetracked point, what I was getting to was that I can meditate in whatever way is going to get me the result of me being calmer, more peaceful and more, well, meditated.

How I meditate when I'm just sitting.  In the mornings these days I get up in the morning, do a bit of journaling and sit on my meditation cushion.  I light incense because I like it.  For a long time I meditated without and that's just as nice.  I usually find a guided meditation to listen to on my ipad and settle in.  I usually start in a cross-legged position with my back straight, because I would like to strengthen my posture.  It also hurts my back if I do a super-slouch through the whole thing.  Often, the straight back position starts to hurt, because my back is weak.  I used to berate myself for this!  You should be able to sit up straight, Dummy!  Then I realized that berating myself for slouching was dumber than not sitting straight.  So I forgive myself, shift to a more comfortable position and continue meditating.  Guess what?  It's okay.  It works just fine.  Sometimes I will slouch a bit.  Or stretch my back.  Or uncross my legs when my foot falls asleep.  Or pet my dog when he comes to sit in my lap.  Or lean back on the wall.  This morning I felt the call to rock a little bit, because I wanted to keep my back straight and my back was a little sore.  So I did this (possibly ridiculous looking, but who cares?) slight rhythmic rocking back and forth.  It felt good, and I was able to continue meditating comfortable.  That is the result I was looking for, so I did it.  Then I patted myself on the back and wrote this blog about it.

So, in summary, if your vision of a transcendent yogi wearing robes sitting on the edge of a waterfall in total transcendent mindlessness is keeping you from trying meditation, challenge those notions and give a different kind of meditation a try.  Those of us who are ED need a different kind of meditation than Buddhist monks.  And maybe your dream of being able to sit peacefully in the lotus pose for hours at a time at a yoga retreat will come true, but start where you are.  And if that includes a slouchy, fidgety, guided meditation on your headset, or a game of soccer, that is an awesome start.  Congratulate yourself for trying something new and taking a step towards living in the present moment and having the ability to calm and center yourself at any time.  It will be truly worth your time.

Some resources I have found over time:

Martha Beck's "The Ideal Day Exercise"

Meditation for Beginners

Mediation Oasis Podcast

The Chopra Center's Library of Guided Meditations

Have you let limiting beliefs hold you back?  Do you have tips for others that have helped you?  Let me know in the comments section!

The Egg Scramble Meditation

"When you are present, when your attention is fully in the Now, the Presence will flow into and transform what you do. There will be quality and power in it." - Eckhart Tolle

I have deemed this summer, the summer of 2013, the Summer of Mindfulness.  I have made a commitment to practice mindfulness techniques as often as I remember to.  This morning's meditation was done as I prepared and ate and cleaned up after I ate my eggs.  Here's instructions on how to do this yourself.

First, think of what you are going to make.  I decided I would have an egg scramble.  I looked into my refrigerator and I had some leftover veggies, some eggs and some cheese.  

Pull out all of your ingredients.  Arrange them on your counter.  If your counter is not clean, first move stuff out of the way and wipe down an area that you can use.

Pull out your tools.  I needed a frying pan, a spatula, a spoon, a plate and a fork.  I also needed my coconut oil.  Arrange them on the counter.  (The frying pan can go on the stove.)

Take a moment and look at what you have and to be grateful for the ingredients and the tools.

Turn your stovetop on, but don't flick it on like usual.  Mindfully find just the right setting. 

Open your oil.  Mine was coconut.  Open the lid and smell it.  Enjoy the aroma of the oil.  Take a spoon and measure out how much oil you want in your pan, don't just pour it this time.  Slowly and purposefully spoon out some oil into your pan.  Put away the oil and wash your spoon.  Watch the oil.  Notice how it changes how it moves and looks as it heats up.  

Wait for just the right temperature.  I like to hold my hand above the pan to test how much heat is in there.  I feel it in my palm and my fingers.  I try to guess when the oil is hot.  

Drop in a vegetable and see if it sizzles just right.  Today, mine didn't.  The oil wasn't hot enough.  So I watched and I waited for the piece of onion to start to sizzle.  Don't get distracted while you wait.  Don't move away.  Just watch, listen, smell and enjoy the moment.

When the oil and the onion started sizzling to my satisfaction I added the rest of the veggies.  Then I watched them.  I smelled them.  And then I named them: Onion, green pepper, red pepper, yellow pepper, mushrooms.  I reached for the spices that are always next to my stove.  I picked up the garlic powder, opened the lid and wafted the aroma toward my nose.  Then I sprinkled some in the pan.  I did the same with the onion powder and paprika.  I poured a little salt into my palm and sprinkled it over the vegetables as well.  When it looked like the vegetables had gotten a little color, I flipped them over.  I examined them.  I poked them a little and prodded them to see what they looked like.  And I waited for them to finish on that side as well.  This part was difficult for me.  I wanted to put the eggs in now, but the veggies weren't ready.  Normally I will put on a timer, go do something else and come back to check when the timer goes off.  Today I stayed.  I watched.  I listened.  I smelled.  

And when they seemed just right I picked up an egg.  Held it.  Thought of the chicken it came from.  Thanked the chicken and the farmer.  And cracked it in the pan.  And then the same with the second, and the third.  I broke open the yolks with my spatula.  And then I stirred and waited, stirred and waited.  I watched for the eggs to be just right before I touched them again.  When everything looked just about done I added a slice of aged gouda.  I put it right on the top and then watched it melt.  It was a beautiful thing.  I watched as the sliced edges started to round.  I watched as the color began to darken just slightly, something I had never noticed before.  I watched as the flat slice began to droop and take on the shape of the eggs beneath.  And I watched as the last corner, the furthest from the heat, finally drooped and melted onto the eggs.

I carefully slid the eggs from the pan onto my waiting plate.  And then I washed the pan and the spatula.  I took my time.  I smelled the eggs waiting behind me on my plate and I paid attention to the hot pan as I poured water on it to cool it, then put soap on a sponge and rubbed it clean.  I carefully washed the spatula, felt the shape of the spatula beneath my fingers.  

And finally, it was time to eat my eggs.  I ate my eggs as mindfully as I had made them.  One bite at a time.  With each bite I closed my eyes to taste what was in it.  I chewed it thoroughly and felt the texture of the bite.  Each bite was a little different.  The urge to rush would arise every once in a while and I would just focus back on naming what was in that bite.  Every few bites I gave each of my dogs a tiny taste, because dogs deserve to be mindful, too.  

After the last bite I resisted the urge to turn my thoughts elsewhere.  I closed my eyes and gave thanks for the food I had just eaten.  And then I took my plate and fork to the sink and washed both, slowly and methodically, just as I had the pan and spatula.  

You can create a mindfulness exercise out of any activity.  Simply do it purposefully, with your whole attention on the task at hand.  When you can, stop and really look, listen, feel, smell, and taste what you are doing.  Try this while cooking, cleaning, shopping, reading, writing, and whatever other tasks you might do during the day.  

What is your favorite meditative task?  Comment below.

Question the Experts

Four or five years ago I ran a half-marathon.  It was my second attempt and my friend and I hadn't trained all that much.  The first time I ran one I had trained hard, but had not been able to run the whole thing.  So the second time around I surprised myself by running (jogging slowly) the whole thing.  My friend and I celebrated that it had hurt so much but that we had pushed through it.  And when I tried to run again just a few short weeks later, I learned that I had really hurt my knee.  I hadn't run very far when I got shooting pain next to my knee.  It hurt to run, it hurt to jog, it hurt to walk.  So I stopped and went home.  I tried again later.  I got the same pain in my knee.  Rest wasn't helping, it wasn't getting better.  And it hurt really bad.
Hawaii has great health insurance, so I went to a doctor.  I googled an orthopedic surgeon in Kailua.  I didn't do any research on who she was, I just went.  It was the usual sit around in the waiting room until the doctor can see you 15 minutes late, then sit in the waiting room for 15 minutes by yourself deal.  I guess we are all pretty used to this, unfortunately.  Then I got to see the Doctor.  She asked me a lot of questions and did some manual examinations on my legs.  She manipulated the knee and finally instructed me to go with someone she was going to send for to get some x-rays done to see what was going on in there.  Before setting off to fetch her assistant she gave me a talk about different kinds of knee pains.  She talked a lot about how many people are not meant to run, especially if something was a little different in one leg than the other (one of my legs is a hare shorter than the other).  She then also went on to talk about how often she will do x-rays on elderly gentlemen and she will find a form of cancer that is causing the pain, often in the hips.  Right after she mentioned cancer, she left the room.  And I sat there for 15 minutes thinking about cancer and how I will never run again.  I went to take the x-rays and she determined that I would need to get an MRI on my knee to figure out what was going on since she couldn't see anything in the films.  Then she gave me another talk about how I should never run again (I don't remember exactly what she said, but this was the basic gist).  Then she sent me off to the hospital to get an MRI done.
I followed her instructions like a good girl, got the MRI done and then went home in a panicky depression.  I would never run again.  There's something wrong with my body.  I've done some real damage.  I never went to pick up the results of the MRI.  I never scheduled a follow-up appointment with the lovely Doctor.  And I stopped running totally for about a year.
It's not that I didn't want to look at the MRI because there might be something I wouldn't like in the results.  I'm not one to go into that kind of denial.  If there's something wrong I generally want to know what I can do to fix it or make it better.  It was more that there was something about the way the doctor treated me.  Something about the way she brought up cancer and left me alone.  Something about how she sucked all hope out of my recovery.  Looking back I realize that it was the first time that a doctor told me something and I didn't just blindly accept it.  Doctor's words were like the word of God.  If a doctor told me something I believed it.  But I didn't accept her message and it took me a really long time to figure that out.  I had to mourn the death of my implicit trust in all medical professionals.  I began to consider that doctors are humans. And that although they had gone to school for a very long time and learned a considerable amount about the human body and their specialties, they are not infallible.
I began to research the kind of pain I had.  I looked specifically at runner's blogs and discovered that the kind of pain I have is pretty common.  It is caused by tight, unstretched muscles, a lack of cross-training and strengthening other muscles and a tight IT band.  Turns out there's things you can do to help with the pain and a foam roller does a great job of stretching your IT band.  I tested out what I had learned.  I started kickboxing which strengthened all my muscles, not just my running muscles.  I started stretching and icing.  I worked on my running technique in short bursts.  If it started to hurt at all, I stopped what I was doing.  And you know what?  It worked.  I will not be running any marathons or half-marathons any time soon, and I actually have no motivation to do so.  But I have been able to compete in 3-5 mile trail races with obstacle courses.  I can run when it is involved in a crossfit workout.  I have regained all of my functional running skills and have gotten myself to a point where there is little to no pain involved.
The moral of the story is this: go to the doctor, listen to the doctor, question the doctor, do your own research.  If your heart and intuition are telling you that the doctor is not spending enough time with you, or the doctor's words are not sitting right with you, You Might Be Right.  Do not fear a second opinion.  Do not let doctors bully you when you go into their kingdoms armed with your own knowledge, intuition and research.  Do not let the doctor make you feel stupid or hopeless.  And for the most part this means that you will follow their prescription..  They very often know what they are talking about.  I almost always take the medicine they prescribe.  I can think of only one other time that I didn't and it involved medication that would have caused side effects worse than the problem they were trying to fix.
So question the experts.  This goes not just for doctors, but government officials, researchers, spiritual and religious leaders, your boss, your mother, your best friend.  Ask for help, listen to what they say, and then follow your intuition.

Ain't No Stoppin Me Now!

Enjoy your Vacation!

This week I let myself get too busy and I slacked off on my blog. Normally Wednesday is my blog day, but I was preparing all week to fly to Key West for my sister-in-law's wedding.  I made sure to clean the kitchen, the bathrooms and the living room so my friend, who is house and dog-sitting wouldn't be completely disgusted with me.  I wish I could say I always keep my house guest ready, but the truth is that I avoid cleaning like the plague. I used to be embarrassed about this, but I've since come to terms with the fact that I have other redeeming qualities and I will never Martha Stewart be. She's very uptight anyway. We made sure to exercise the dogs, bathe them and get their supplies together. We had to be sure that the fish tank routine was made easy to follow. 

For the past few months I've also been studying a bit here and there for my licensure test. I feel pretty good about it so far, but it is taking up a large chunk of my time. Because of the timing of this wedding vacation, I also missed the last week of school, where I work. This meant finishing up as much paperwork as I possibly could, doing all of the progress reports for my students and saying my goodbyes all this last week. It's always so sad, you just never know which kids will be there in the fall. So I gave hugs, and advice, and homework. 

I have been allowing the stress to get to me. My nutrition has not been the best, not horrible, but not great. I've been having a hard time staying in the moment. My crossfit workouts help, they keep me active and happy. But, I allowed the cleaning time and appointments get in the way and I missed several of my regular classes. 

Isn't it funny how going on vacation, the thing that we wait and wait for can be so much stress? It makes me laugh, looking back, how much I let it get to me. On previous vacations I have allowed that stress to leak into the vacation itself. Not this time. Even last night/today on the longest, most uncomfortable flits I ever remember, I have been having a good time with my husband. We've both been in good spirits. I started meditating on the second flight, which relaxed me so much I fell asleep before we took off. That was a blessing since I can rarely sleep on a flight. In fact, I slept on the first and second flights. On the third flight Nathan and I played this jewel matching game over and over and over again. It was fun! 

Upon landing here in Tampa, it turns out, of course, that our flight to Key West is delayed by an hour and a half. Either way, we spent the entire Monday in a plane and I have eaten insane amounts of banana chips, a nut mix and a personal size pizza. I feel gross. But I'm on vacation!  My plan is to finish this quick blog, and go find some fun! Not sure what that looks like, probably going to wander around the airport a bit, maybe meditate, find a good spot to watch the sunset. Can't wait to stick my feet in the Atlantic Ocean. Was just wading in the pacific less than 24 hours ago. 

Is Today an Okay Day to Die?

I know some of you may be thinking that I'm being a bit doom and gloom, or depressed, or you might be worried that I am going to do something rash, judging by the title.  However, it is totally the opposite.  Let me explain.

The other day I was on my way to a local coffee shop to study for my upcoming test.  On my way to the door, a disheviled man came out of the door and grabbed a backpack that had been sitting outside on the sidewalk.  I walked into the coffee shop and he walked away.  When I got to the counter inside, one of the ladies who had been sitting at a table outside the shop came in to tell the man at the counter that the bag had been claimed.  Apparently, the group had been concerned about the bag lying unattended and had reported it to the store.  With the recent bombings at the Boston Marathon, there have been several cases in Hawaii of stores and building being shut down as the police investigate unattended bags left lying around.  The guys at the counter laughed about it probably being a drug deal and everyone went on their way.  The guy is a bit of a regular, so no one was that concerned.  I got my latte and cracked open the books and forgot about it.

About an hour later, the same man came back inside, carrying two bags, including the one that had been earlier lying around unattended.  He went upstairs, and came back down without his bag.  He left the store.  Hmm.  Now, none of the group of ladies from the previous group was there.  The guy at the register didn't notice the guy come in.  I was the only one noticing this guy and of course, my mind started to go there.  Did this guy just leave some kind of explosive device upstairs?  I know that he's one of the regulars of Kailua, possibly homeless and on drugs, definitely wanders the street all of the time, I've seen him before.  Part of me knew that this was no big deal and yet a part of my mind started to wind up.  Images of explosions and screaming and running flashed really quickly through my brain.  I could feel a chill go through my body and I tensed up.  Even though I know it's not a terrorist attack, my brain is starting to take over and the anxiety is starting to set in.  This is where the question above came in handy.

This year I have been practicing daily how to be present in the moment.  At random intervals, especially when I am starting to get stressed out, I take a moment to really look around me and see what is reality.  What is going on, right now.  The practice brings an awesome sense of peace.  In that moment, in the coffee shop, I stopped thinking about explosions and looked around.  I was in a cute cafe with lots of studious people on their computers.  There was good music playing and my friend, Keysa, was sitting at the table with me, reading her own book.  It was peaceful and serene and pleasant.  And I thought to myself, since really we can die at any moment, for multitudes of reasons, would this be an okay way to die?  I was in a great place with a friend.  I was doing something enjoyable, preparing for a test that will help me further my career.  Everything was totally okay in that moment.  So, yes, it would have been an okay time and place to die.  The thought brought me a great deal of peace.  The tension in my body started to melt away.  I had another sip of coffee, and smiled at Keysa.  The man came back in the front door, went upstairs and grabbed his bag, ordered a cup of coffee, and grabbed a seat at a table.

The same man got up to grab a napkin near our table a few minutes later and we couldn't help but overhear as he repeated to himself, "I am a cat, I am a cat, I am a cat."  The man was totally harmless, not quite in his right mind, but no terrorist.  And I am so grateful that I didn't waste any more of my precious time on this earth spinning my mind and worrying that I was going to blow up.  It would have been a waste.  Even if there was a bomb in his bag that day, I would have wasted my last moments with fear.  I've always thought it would be so much better to go with a contented smile on my face.

What are your thoughts?  Is today an okay day to die?

Afraid of a Little Pain, Are You?

The other day I came home from work and some of the neighbor kids were all rolling on the grass, punching and kicking and generally beating the hell out of each other.  My first instinct was to tell them to cut it out, but then, for a brief second, the boy I thought was getting the brunt of it smiled.  I realized they were just fooling around.  Sure, they were quite likely to hurt one another, but then I thought, "who cares"?

It seems to me that in this day and age, people are quite afraid of getting hurt. Today I'm just talking physical pain, but I think this may translate to emotional as well.  From the adults I meet who do one workout and quit because of the pain the next day to a new generation of children who panic when they fall down or see blood.  I get the feeling it has not always been this way.  At some point our culture has decided that it is a necessity to get rid of anything that might possibly cause us pain.  I get it when it comes to deadly diseases.  Sure, nobody wants to die from typhoid or whooping cough.  But when did we get so paranoid about germs and blood?  The removal of anything but "safe" equipment on our playgrounds and the insane amount of hand sanitizer I see being used makes me want to punch somebody.  Our kids apparently don't know how to swing, spin or see-saw without killing themselves, so we must save them by coating everything with recycled truck tires and getting rid of anything with moving parts.  I get it.  We don't want our kids to maim themselves.  But we are teaching them at a very young age that pain is something to run screaming from, that it is something to avoid at all costs, it is something to FEAR.

Many of us share stories about the "good old days" when we used to go out in the woods all day long to explore or play war.  There was no worry from our parents that we would get hurt.  Not that we wouldn't get hurt.  I would show up at home with bloodied knees, a chipped tooth, a broken collar bone and various cuts, bruises and scrapes.  But back then these things didn't really count.  It was considered completely fine to get dirty and scratched up doing who knows what, come home, eat dinner, shower and go to bed.  Pain was a part of life and there was no need to stop the presses for a scratch.  Because nobody else made a big deal out of it, neither did I.  And scraping my knee on a tree didn't keep me from climbing trees ever again.

I'm sure my broken collar bone was avoidable.  My sisters could have not thrown me into the pile of leaves.  But I LOVED being thrown into the leaf pile.  We would rake the leaves and take turns jumping into it, over and over and over again.  And one time, I landed on a rock and broke my collar bone.  The difference between then and now is that if that happened today all of a sudden there would be a ban on jumping in leaf piles.  And they would ban your older siblings from throwing you anywhere.  I just wore a sling for a couple of weeks, healed up and went back to jumping in.  (And from then on did a general sweep for large rocks that might be hiding at the bottom of the pile.)

I'm no fan of causing pain to others on purpose and I believe in listening to your body.  Some pain is just your body being tired and healing and some other pain actually means something is wrong.  I don't believe in corporal punishment, mostly because it doesn't work and because parents get more and more frustrated and hit their kids in anger and frustration, not love.  I don't look to go out and get hurt.  But I don't let the thought of pain hold me back and I don't think we should teach our kids to do so either.  How will you learn how to do the monkey bars if you're too scared to fall down?  How will you learn to skate board, climb trees, jump rope, ride a bike, swim, or play any sport if you are afraid of some pain?

So when I saw the neighbors fighting, I decided not to say anything and let them go for it.  Nobody got hurt. Well, not too badly anyway.

How Will You Know if You Can?

How about you?  Are you afraid of a little pain?

Because My Mom Says

"You can be anything you want." - Pauline Sullivan.

Although much of my early life was dictated by fear- fear of failure, of letting others down, of saying the wrong thing, of breaking rules, of not being liked, of looking stupid, and of going to Hell, I was given a great gift that carried me through.  I'm not sure if I was only told once, or if it was a repeated message in my household, but I heard the message that I was allowed to dream big.  That we had very little spending money, but that I was fully capable of going to college and being anything I wanted.  Through the fear I heard that I could keep my mind open to possibilities.

I don't know how my mother knew to pass those words on, or how she came to believe them herself, coming from even poorer circumstances, growing up in the basement of her grandparents home as a young child under the abusive, angry watch of my alcoholic grandfather in New Jersey, but somehow she heard the message and believed it.  We may have been "poor" by definition of not having a lot of extra cash on hand, but my parents had (and they still have) 5 acres of land in the woods, with a stream and a house and garden that they built on their own.  My father worked for himself in a business with his friends that they built and my Mom was able to stay home to raise us.  What strength of character allows you to dream that you can have that?  That you are not stuck with what you have been handed in this life, but can make your own choices?

I was lucky to hear that.  Because I was given many messages, and most were not positive.  We are all given some obvious, and some very sneaky messages about who we are and who we are supposed to become.  How we are supposed to behave and how much we should be allowed to have.  How big we should allow ourselves to dream.  When I was a child I was going to be a teacher or a nanny, then I would be a Counselor, then I decided that I would be a physical therapist and work with sports teams.  I had limited connection to the possibilities that existed.   As time goes on my vision expands just a little to include new things, new possibilities. In college I moved from Physical Therapist (they have to touch sweaty feet!) to therapist.  This one has stuck for quite some time.  I think it bumps up really close to my passion and purpose.  And still I think there is more for me.  I will be a therapist, and I will be great.  But I am allowing myself to dream even bigger.  A life coach?  A nutritionist?  An exercise instructor?  A public speaker?  Owner and operator of a world-famous retreat center where spiritual leaders stay and speak?  President?  Who knows. Because I can be whatever I want.  My mom says so.

An Artist Who Truly Connects with the Audience

"When we really see each other, we want to help each other." - Amanda Palmer

This is a must watch.  The power of connection.  Enough said.

Click here if the video doesn't work.  Or look up Amanda Palmer: The Art of Asking on YouTube.

I don't care! I love it! I don't care!

"I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs
I crashed my car into the bridge

I don't care, I love it, I don't care

You're on a different road, I'm in the milky way
You want me down on earth, but I am up in space
You're so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch
You're from the 70's, but I'm a 90's bitch

I love it, I love it"

I was listening to this song performed by Icona Pop on the radio this morning.  I'm not sure exactly what the lyrics are meant to describe, but it brought me back to when I was a kid, and truly having that feeling of "I love it, I don't care!"  As I said in a previous blog, I was a very shy child.  One of the reactions to this blog that stood out to me was from a classmate in elementary school who remembered me as being very outgoing.  And yes, I remember very well that insanely energetic, do-anything side to me.  Looking back I recognize that there were very few people in the world that I trusted.  And when I was with those people: my family, and a few girl friends in elementary school and a fluctuating, random group of kids in high school, I really let loose.  All those emotions that I stifled during the day when I didn't know how to talk to boys and worried about what other kids thought about my snaggle tooth and my hair and what words I uttered, would flood out of me.  I thank god for those people who held a space for me to do the ridiculous.  If you're reading this, you know who you are.  Usually it was in the safety of physical activities, since I had a bit more confidence in those areas.  Riding bikes out to go fishing in the creek, building by hand a rock bridge through a pond-turned-mud-pit that kept sucking our rocks to the bottom, crossing the Esopus on a random afternoon, fire pits in the woods, kickball, and dodge ball.  In high school it also included those special places that we would go to talk.  The GW Diner, the Traffic Circle, The Moose and the Cave were sacred spots where I was able to be silly and philosophical and joke with friends.  

I wonder at what point as we become adults, get "real jobs," and accumulate responsibility did we decide that we are no longer allowed to play like this?  If it saved my life when I was younger, can it be all that bad?  Who talks us out of it?  Is it us?  Is it our parents, society?  For a few years I lost it totally.  Lacrosse became a responsibility instead of a hobby and I quit.  Running was no longer fun.  Going out drinking with girlfriends was the most common activity and that was fun, but how can that ever compare to this:

Taking a Break on Olomana's First Peak

Over the past couple of years I've slowly been building back my ability to let loose.  Hiking and paddling with some of the most amazing women I've ever met, again saved my life.  In the beginning I felt so, so guilty for spending time doing things I loved.  I loved it and I made excuses not to go.  Something felt so wrong about spending time doing anything that didn't advance my career, my schooling or my relationship.  And exercise isn't fun, right?

Well, it turns out that's all bullshit.  If playing around with friends isn't at or near the top of your priority list, you need to get it back up there, stat.  I've learned a few things about play (or what I like to call Fucking Around) and no, I will not be adding any research to back this up right now.  I can send you to read Mark Sisson's blog.  He is maybe the smartest man in the world, and he thinks play is good.

1. Play makes me happy.  This might seem pretty basic, but have you really thought about the benefits of this?  You've probably heard the saying "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  This is a fact.  So, you go out and have a blast.  You come home with a big grin on your face.  All other members of the household see your smile and they smile.  Happiness has spread.  World peace is ours.

2. Endorphins.  I've heard these are great for us.  Endorphins are those neurotransmitters that make us feel good.  It's what we're trying to copy with anti-depressants.  So playing around is like taking drugs.  But natural.  The government doesn't even regulate how many times you can dance or hike a day.  Go for it, binge on those endorphins, you'll feel really groovy, man.

3. When we play with others, we create amazing friendships.  I have made the most lasting friendships with those people that went out and did stuff with me.  It's hard to be shy with someone who has had to push you up over a steep rock by pushing you on your ass.  It's much easier to strike up a conversation with someone who you has joined you in throwing everything not nailed down, including the picnic table, into the bonfire you've built.  Some of the best talks I've ever had have been on really tough hikes at that point when you are so freaking tired, but you're not even halfway there.  So you start gabbing to distract yourself from your discomfort.  Anything goes at times like these.  And you're too tired to really monitor what comes out.  And so you're actually honest.  And now these people know everything about you, and it turns out that's pretty cool.

4. Play gets your mind moving.  Somebody's researched it and discovered that play during childhood isn't just for fun.  It's how you learn all kinds of things.  Using your imagination to solve problems like how to avoid the lava.  Working together with others to get across the moat.  Pretending you are an astronaut or a hero or a dragon.  How to avoid being "it."  Strategizing how to win.  What to do if someone falls and scrapes a knee.  How to stand up to someone.  You have to really drum up some brain matter to make this work.  Play makes you think and also makes you better at all things.

5. You'll learn to respect your time and self-care.  This one took me some time to figure out.  My time is important.  I am important.  When I get out and do something fun, I am acknowledging the fact that I am valuable.  I care about my friends and family, but I care about myself too.  Maybe that sounds a little woo-woo, but the truth is, you can't give to anyone if your bucket is empty.  When you don't take care of yourself you get sick, depressed, and nasty.  You don't have the energy to help anyone else.  Before I learned to eat better, and had just started to get out and do fun things with friends, the fog began to clear from my brain.  And I saw that I was caring for everyone buy myself.  (Beer and chocolate in isolation do not count as self-care, they only count in conjunction with other loving acts of kindness towards yourself.)  

You don't have to listen to me.  I'm just a shy, outgoing child grown into a wacky, outgoing adult.  But I have figured out how to enjoy my life.  Not just the weekends, but every single day.  There's times when I get anxious, terrified, angry and sad.  But I know what to do and where to go to get my life back on track.  If you do nothing else to take care of yourself, eat like hell, smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, but get out there and do something that will make you smile.  It might save your life.

Hiding in Fear

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." 
                -Eleanor Roosevelt

smthgoeswrong.blogspot.com

In kindergarten and first grade I was what you would now call Selectively Mute. At school I spoke to no one, I would literally burst into tears if my teacher called on me.  I was smart, did great on tests, knew all of the answers, but would not, could not, speak out loud.  I was terrified that I would say the wrong thing.  That fear kept me totally silent (even though being the silent crybaby was no less embarrassing than getting a wrong answer would have been).  The reason my mother didn't realize there was a problem was that, not only did I get good grades, but when I got in the car on the ride home, would gush on and on about all the wonderful things I had learned in class and all of the exciting things we had done during the school day. I would teach my younger brother everything I had learned. So my mother was a little thrown off at my parent teacher conference when they told her they thought I was "retarded."  My mom basically told them to shove it, so nothing further came of it. I continued to not speak and ace my tests and my teachers continued to ignore me. In second grade I moved to a new school and my teacher made an effort to be nice to me.  She would ask me simple questions about my day when no one else was around.  I started to come out of my shell a bit (I would talk- sometimes). Over the next few years up until high school, I spoke to my friends, spoke to my teacher on the side, but would cry uncontrollably if I was addressed in front of others. I was terrified to say the wrong thing or to look stupid. My face would turn red, my eyes would tear up and my nose would start running. It was a horrible catch-22. All I wanted was to hide, for no one to notice me or see me, but my sniffling and sobbing would make it impossible for me not to be stared at. By 8th grade, the last grade my elementary school offered, I had a few friends, but I always felt like an outcast.  Thankfully I got to change schools again.

In 9th grade I attended the area's catholic high school. Some of my previous classmates went there too, but I got another chance to start over. Somehow I knew deep down that I didn't really want to hide anymore. I didn't want to be a nobody, I wanted to be seen.  The fear continued to keep me from really being myself.  I cut my long, lanky, unkempt hair into a cute shoulder length, and I felt like a new person.  Still, I wanted to sing, be in the school play and be a star. I joined those activities, but couldn't find the courage to put myself out there. I knew I had a pretty voice, but I was terrified to sing out loud in front of anyone.  I was in the chorus where I could be on stage, but still hide. Luckily I was a decent athlete in a really small school. The thing I liked about sports was that you could put yourself out there, but because you are concentrating on catching, shooting, or setting a ball, there is no room for being self-conscious. Still, my friend and I still joke about the day I got lightly scolded by the teacher in science class and I started balling.  I was a senior in high school.

In college I started to figure out what many people never do. In order to get over the fear, you must do what you are most afraid of. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "you must do the thing you think you cannot do." I took a public speaking class. I took a Broadway singing class where I knew that I was going to have to do a solo. I tried out for volleyball. I didn't make the team. So I tried out for lacrosse, a sport I had never watched, played and had no idea what the rules were.  I played for two years, and I was pretty darn good.  I mostly stopped crying in class, and sometimes would raise my hand to answer questions.  I had learned to try new things, to put myself out there, to allow others to see me- but only what I was good at.  I continued to feel like an outsider with my group of friends, and because of this I didn't treat them well.  I just didn't know how to truly relax or be myself.  I had on a constant mask to show them that I was all cool and collected and put together.  My boyfriend, now-husband, was a constant companion.  I love him to pieces, but I know I hid behind his outgoing personality.

My next phase of life took me to Hawaii with my now-husband. I continued to practice trying new things.  I've taken kickboxing, taekwondo, joined a canoe paddling team and crossfit. I've run a half-marathon twice.  I've hiked all over Oahu.  But the thing that I finally was able to figure out was how to connect with others.  How to have the friendships that I was so jealous of all of my life.  It turns out it has nothing to do with being cool, or good at sports, or pretty, or calm and collected.  It has everything to do with being a jack ass.  And letting them see that you are not perfect.  My friends know how forgetful and disorganized I am.  They are not surprised by the clutter that is a constant companion in my car.  They know I don't iron my clothes, wear makeup or brush my hair.  And they don't care in the least.  It is the vulnerability that I allow in these relationships that make them so close.  It is the most terrifying and most amazing thing in the world to let someone know your "faults."

Did you know that we all have this tendency?  We wear different masks that we show off to the world to tell others how they should see us.  We wear professional outfits to work, we put on makeup, and talk about how wonderful and put together our lives are.  We pretend that we are organized and that we like paperwork and don't hate anyone in the office.  Then we go home and feel like we've been putting on a show all day.  Nobody's seen the real us.  We have different masks that we wear for our friends, and sometimes it's a different mask for different friends and different groups.  We wear our sexy, out-with-the-girlfriends outfit, fluff out our hair, wear heels and jewelry.  We avoid talking about the shitty stuff because we don't want to be a downer.  And we go home with our true feelings, our true selves hidden away from the world.  We're afraid others will look down on us, or not want to be around us.  The fear is stifling and isolating.

What I've learned over time is that the scariest things in life are usually the most worthwhile.  Trying out for sports even though I could be terrible.  Telling my husband how I feel even though he could be angry.  Letting my friends know that I don't wash my hair every time I shower.  Going to a meeting at work with a mediocre document that I've put together.  Guessing what someone is going through, and allowing them to correct me without getting defensive.  Allowing the world to see that I'm not perfect.  I must say I would still prefer to take a punch to my face than sing a solo in front of a crowd.  But, hey, who knows?  Maybe I should put it on my list.


"Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me."
 -Alice Walker 



“Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.”
-Dr. Robert Anthony

What has your fear been keeping you from? What can you try today, or this week that has been scaring the day lights out of you? Post your answers in the comments!

Do You Play?

Just a short blog post this week.  It's a simple look at whether you have enough fun in your life.  I am lucky.  I was born into a fun-loving, hilarious family.  I never realized that some people don't know how to laugh at themselves or the world around them.  Gabby Bernstein says, "When you make fun your primary purpose, you will experience many miracles and be of high service to the world."  I love this.  I truly and completely agree.  Making someone else laugh is at the top of my list of amazing experiences.  I'm not talking about the fake laughter of someone trying to impress, pretending like they understand or agreeing because they "should."  I'm talking the deep, belly laughter that comes from an inside joke that keeps building and building until it is so ridiculously silly that you can't keep the laughter in.  The kind of laughter that makes you hug your sides, snort through your nose, leak tears from your eyes and brings you to the point when you are not even making noise anymore, you're just shaking and wheezing.  You have to lean over and hold your knees so you can catch your breath, and keep your eyes off of your buddy, or it will sweep over you again.  The kind of laughter you can't hold back and makes you feel like you're going to pee your pants.  Everyone should have that.  I think it should be one of our main goals in life.

Like the chick in the middle.  Priceless.

Do you?

Drugs and Spirituality

So the other night I was drinking a Guinness my husband got me for St Patrick's Day weekend and watching Oprah's Supersoul Sunday, and Oprah was interviewing Debbie Ford.  Debbie was speaking about a point in her life when she first saw God, back when she was in a treatment facility.  Oprah then asked her whether she had had this spiritual awakening while on drugs, or while off of drugs.  What a great question!
This episode got me thinking, since I was watching Debbie Ford while drinking beer.  It got me thinking about why we drink or do drugs at all. What is the draw?  We know all of the possible negative side effects.  We've lived through the poor decisions made while drunk or high and we've survived the hangovers the next day.  So why would we ever do it more than once?  Why isn't it an obvious lesson learned the first time around?

Obviously, alcohol and drug addiction is a complicated topic that can't all be addressed in one blog post.  There is the physical addiction side, which I am not delving into at all.  What I propose to talk about here is only a slight aspect of a much bigger conversation, but one that I found intriguing to consider.

Did your spiritual experience happen while you were on drugs or while you were recovering?  We hear so many stories from those leaders who had a spiritual awakening when they hit their "rock bottom" and decided to live a different kind of life.  But, many people have had spiritual experiences while drinking or doing drugs.  And the intriguing thought for me was that, maybe, in the beginning, this is why someone would gravitate towards mind-altering activities.  I doubt very much this is a mindful decision, "Hmm, maybe if I snort some cocaine, I will find God..."  That's not what I'm saying.  But there is always something we are looking for before trying something new.  Social acceptance, a distraction from how we currently feel, relaxation, or energy, for example.  We just don't know what it is we are looking for.  And so very sane and reasonable people try some very out of the box behaviors.

When you have your first beer, drink, toke, snort, shot, and I don't know the lingo for what else, the theory that I am exploring is, that maybe you are able to, in that moment, relax enough to tune in to the present moment.  To shut your ego down.  To stop comparing yourself to others and believe that you are of value.  To see how all things in the world are connected.  To believe that everything that happens to you has a reason and a lesson and for a moment we can be grateful for what we have now.  For that moment, the quality of the chair your sitting in and the decorations of your location aren't important.  It's enough that you are alive and being provided for.  That first drink helps you get in touch with and see your attractive, witty, and intelligent side.  The beauty is that the drinks and drugs don't make you a better person, a more introspective person, a more outgoing person, but they block your ego and for just a little while you can be in touch with your true nature, your purpose and your inner guide.  In the beginning, maybe it helps you see God, because your barriers are down and you allow yourself to trust and have faith.

All of these feelings, which are wonderful and breathtaking and worthy of wanting to feel again, unfortunately don't last long with drugs and alcohol.  Unfortunately, I believe that so many people stumble upon these feelings accidentally and then falsely attribute the drugs or alcohol with the responsibility of getting you there.  There is a false belief that it is the only way to feel that good, or maybe just the easiest and fastest way.  But studies and history reveal that although in the beginning drugs and alcohol might feel good, they soon overtake your life.  The second, third and fourth drink don't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  Another shot of heroine or snort of cocaine doesn't bring you that feeling, it makes you sick.  And over time the drugs and alcohol don't bring you that feeling at all.  You go through your day in a depressed fog looking for the drugs and alcohol to bring you to some semblance of normal, or at least not like complete shit, but not closer to God.  Because you didn't know that's what you were looking for in the first place.

Many things in life start for one reason, but continue for another.  Recovery is a complex and individual path.  I'm not suggesting that becoming spiritual is a direct and easy path to healing yourself from a life of drugs and alcohol (I believe it is a part of the journey, however).  I am simply looking at one piece of this issue, which has more to do with preventing others from getting there in the first place.

Is this a crazy thought that we are all looking for our spiritual path, we just don't realize it?  Maybe.  I do think that we have a responsibility to teach our children that there are a million ways to feel good.  We have a responsibility to show them that there are healthy ways to feel strong, confident, witty, connected, smart, and in tune with their inner self.  It's not about praising kids for everything they do, or keeping them from ever failing or making a mistake.  It's about showing them how exciting life is in the day to day.  How awesome it feels to hang upside down from the jungle gym.  How wonderful it can feel to share something with a friend.  How moving your body through playing games, and sports and even just in spinning in circles or running through mud can bring you joy.  Then, maybe when they are teenagers (hopefully not middle schoolers, but come on people, you know our kids are growing up fast) when they do try that cigarette, that joint or that wine cooler at a party, they will recognize the feeling for what it is.  And they will know that they can just as easily get that high from sitting in silence, reading a good book, or playing a game.

Your thoughts?  Would love to hear them.

Everything You Need...

From Sun-Gazing.com

I never thought I'd be the type to write out a check to myself, signed by "The Law of Abundance" with the hopes that it would bring me anything but a roll of the eyes from anyone I might tell about it.  And yet I did this very thing about 10 minutes ago.  I sheepishly explained to my husband that a trusted friend had mentioned this on Facebook and it seemed like a great idea so I did it.  His response was an entertained smile and a nod of the head.  He no longer seems fazed by my "Why the hell not?" attitude and all the strange behavior that has come with it.
So why am I hiding abundance checks in the back left corner of my home within 48 hours of the new moon? I have found it to be true that when a message shows up in your life all at the same time from several different sources, it should not be ignored.  The recent message that has been gently, but persistently nudging me for quite some time is that everything you need is available to you right now.  Like, as in, I need nothing.  It's all here.  All you need to do is look for it or ask for it.  This may sound a bit crazy to you if , like so many people out in the world grew up hearing one or a combination of the following messages:
There isn't enough money, money doesn't grow on trees, the poor will inherit the earth, asking for money is shameful, people who have money must have done something wrong/evil/sinful to have that much money, rich people are spoiled and/or selfish, you don't need something that nice, it is wrong to want money/things, you should be proud of how we do without any money..., and on and on.
For me, I at least grew up knowing that having money wasn't the answer to everything.  We grew up poor, but I was well fed, had a fabulous backyard including woods and stream to spend all of my free time and the most amazing siblings that anyone could ever ask for.  We actually sat down and ate dinner together every night and had family game night.  My parents instilled in us a sense of humor and pride that I would not trade for anything.  The only drawback, as there is always two sides to a coin, is that now I don't know how to have money.  I am embarrassed to talk about it.  I have made really cool things for people- handmade stuffed animals that took hours of my work- and was ashamed to charge anything more than what you might buy a mass manufactured Made in China toy for.  When I have money I tend to spend it immediately- and I will try to get the best deal that I can for mediocre quality clothes or goods.  I am proud of my ability to get clothes for 4 dollars at Sal's Boutique.  This is not a bad thing, but it definitely hinders me when I am asked to spend a reasonable amount of money for a quality good or service.  It also gets in the way when I think about charging people a good amount of money to sit down and talk to me for an hour.
Because of my lack mentality, I know I have not been attracting wealth.  I have been pushing it away.  When I think about it, I know there were opportunities that I missed because I was afraid or embarrassed or scoffed at the amount of money they might cost.  One example- In high school, I can count on one hand how often I asked my parents for money for anything.  My friend Jen and I would go around the cafeteria at lunch and ask other kids for a quarter "for the phone" and get enough to split an ice cream sandwich between us.  I did not have real basketball shoes when I played basketball, I had these cheap sneakers from PayLess.  And when I joined LaCrosse in college I wore the SAME SHOES, the same terrible, cheap basketballish sneakers to run in.  And of course I got a stress fracture.  Could Mom and Dad have afforded shoes?  Yeah.  I think they could have.  I was just too ashamed or scared to ask.  I also didn't want to buy the 100 dollar health insurance that I was required to have when I played LaCrosse because it was too expensive. Luckily for me, I had to and could see a doctor for that stress fracture.  I never bought anything but used books, wouldn't spend cash on food (I had a school lunch card), and when I moved to Hawaii in 2002, I continued these cheap spending habits.  I wouldn't buy good bras, workout gear, sneakers, shoes, food, craft supplies, work supplies, nothing.
Sure, I was good at not spending money on quality stuff, I was good at getting a lot for not much money, but was I saving money?  Was my life better because I saved 5 dollars?  No.  And my mindset of "never enough money" drove me to depression and anxiety.  Being a cheap-ass did not make me happy and it did not make me wealthy and it did not stop me from worrying about money.
For all that time I never questioned the fact that it wasn't working.  I thought I was budgeting and saving.  But a few years ago I had a bit of a breakdown when financially several big ticket items, costing several thousand dollars each all fell on us at the same time.  All were unavoidable.  And it broke me down.  I saw a therapist and started searching to figure out what life is all about.
You can read my other posts on gratitude, living the life of your dreams, and forgiveness, lessons I have been learning about on my quest.  This week I have been researching what basically boils down to the famous "Law of Attraction." The idea that you attract that which you think about or believe.  The theory would be that since I had been living in such a lack or "have-not" mentality, I was attracting more and more of the same.  I was getting exactly what I thought I deserved.  I wanted more, but didn't believe myself worthy of having it.  I was not good enough, smart enough, didn't have enough letters after my name, and didn't grow up in a wealthy family and therefore I would never get more.  I behaved in a way to get me just enough money to get buy.  Never more.  I got a paycheck and spent exactly all of it, like clockwork.  I didn't mingle with "rich" people, I didn't do things "rich" people would do.
So, if the theory is that you must believe in abundance to attract abundance, I am sure as hell going to give it a shot.  I think the difficult piece is that you have to actually believe that you are worth it.  That I can have a cleaning lady and buy Victoria's Secret bras.  That I can spend the money on grass-finished beef from Whole Foods.  That I can buy a quality wrist brace to use when I work out- not the cheap one from Long's- an actual gymnast's wrist brace.  The tough part is not just saying it, but feeling it in your heart and in your gut, that yes, you are worth it, life is worth it, and those products are worth the money you are spending.  I believe I am ready for this now.  After a few years of saying that I am worth it, I truly now, believe that I am.  And I don't mind telling all of you that I am.  That my therapy and life coaching services will be worth the money that you will pay me, because it will change your life and you will wonder why you waited so long.  And with the money that I earn from the book that I write, the services I provide, and someday the retreat center that I will run I will get myself regular pedicures and manicures and haircuts and quality gifts for my husband and family.  I will buy plane tickets all over the place to visit people I haven't seen in too long.  I will tithe 10% to the charities, church and organizations of my choice.  I will support the people who are creating quality goods and services so that they can spend that money to pay it forward.
The miracle of it all is, that everything I need to make this happen is all there waiting for me.  Every time I put this theory to the test, it holds true.  The opportunities are always there.  I have to stop shying away from opportunities that present themselves and continue to live in the knowledge that I am valuable and worth it. I am remembering to ask for what I want and need.  I know you may not believe me.  I hope you can begin an experimental journey of your own.  I hope you continue to follow this blog to see what happens.  I'm excited to find out how this all turns out.
What is your experience with abundance?  Do you attract what you want into your life?  Do you know what you want out of life?  Comment below!