Everything You Need...

From Sun-Gazing.com

I never thought I'd be the type to write out a check to myself, signed by "The Law of Abundance" with the hopes that it would bring me anything but a roll of the eyes from anyone I might tell about it.  And yet I did this very thing about 10 minutes ago.  I sheepishly explained to my husband that a trusted friend had mentioned this on Facebook and it seemed like a great idea so I did it.  His response was an entertained smile and a nod of the head.  He no longer seems fazed by my "Why the hell not?" attitude and all the strange behavior that has come with it.
So why am I hiding abundance checks in the back left corner of my home within 48 hours of the new moon? I have found it to be true that when a message shows up in your life all at the same time from several different sources, it should not be ignored.  The recent message that has been gently, but persistently nudging me for quite some time is that everything you need is available to you right now.  Like, as in, I need nothing.  It's all here.  All you need to do is look for it or ask for it.  This may sound a bit crazy to you if , like so many people out in the world grew up hearing one or a combination of the following messages:
There isn't enough money, money doesn't grow on trees, the poor will inherit the earth, asking for money is shameful, people who have money must have done something wrong/evil/sinful to have that much money, rich people are spoiled and/or selfish, you don't need something that nice, it is wrong to want money/things, you should be proud of how we do without any money..., and on and on.
For me, I at least grew up knowing that having money wasn't the answer to everything.  We grew up poor, but I was well fed, had a fabulous backyard including woods and stream to spend all of my free time and the most amazing siblings that anyone could ever ask for.  We actually sat down and ate dinner together every night and had family game night.  My parents instilled in us a sense of humor and pride that I would not trade for anything.  The only drawback, as there is always two sides to a coin, is that now I don't know how to have money.  I am embarrassed to talk about it.  I have made really cool things for people- handmade stuffed animals that took hours of my work- and was ashamed to charge anything more than what you might buy a mass manufactured Made in China toy for.  When I have money I tend to spend it immediately- and I will try to get the best deal that I can for mediocre quality clothes or goods.  I am proud of my ability to get clothes for 4 dollars at Sal's Boutique.  This is not a bad thing, but it definitely hinders me when I am asked to spend a reasonable amount of money for a quality good or service.  It also gets in the way when I think about charging people a good amount of money to sit down and talk to me for an hour.
Because of my lack mentality, I know I have not been attracting wealth.  I have been pushing it away.  When I think about it, I know there were opportunities that I missed because I was afraid or embarrassed or scoffed at the amount of money they might cost.  One example- In high school, I can count on one hand how often I asked my parents for money for anything.  My friend Jen and I would go around the cafeteria at lunch and ask other kids for a quarter "for the phone" and get enough to split an ice cream sandwich between us.  I did not have real basketball shoes when I played basketball, I had these cheap sneakers from PayLess.  And when I joined LaCrosse in college I wore the SAME SHOES, the same terrible, cheap basketballish sneakers to run in.  And of course I got a stress fracture.  Could Mom and Dad have afforded shoes?  Yeah.  I think they could have.  I was just too ashamed or scared to ask.  I also didn't want to buy the 100 dollar health insurance that I was required to have when I played LaCrosse because it was too expensive. Luckily for me, I had to and could see a doctor for that stress fracture.  I never bought anything but used books, wouldn't spend cash on food (I had a school lunch card), and when I moved to Hawaii in 2002, I continued these cheap spending habits.  I wouldn't buy good bras, workout gear, sneakers, shoes, food, craft supplies, work supplies, nothing.
Sure, I was good at not spending money on quality stuff, I was good at getting a lot for not much money, but was I saving money?  Was my life better because I saved 5 dollars?  No.  And my mindset of "never enough money" drove me to depression and anxiety.  Being a cheap-ass did not make me happy and it did not make me wealthy and it did not stop me from worrying about money.
For all that time I never questioned the fact that it wasn't working.  I thought I was budgeting and saving.  But a few years ago I had a bit of a breakdown when financially several big ticket items, costing several thousand dollars each all fell on us at the same time.  All were unavoidable.  And it broke me down.  I saw a therapist and started searching to figure out what life is all about.
You can read my other posts on gratitude, living the life of your dreams, and forgiveness, lessons I have been learning about on my quest.  This week I have been researching what basically boils down to the famous "Law of Attraction." The idea that you attract that which you think about or believe.  The theory would be that since I had been living in such a lack or "have-not" mentality, I was attracting more and more of the same.  I was getting exactly what I thought I deserved.  I wanted more, but didn't believe myself worthy of having it.  I was not good enough, smart enough, didn't have enough letters after my name, and didn't grow up in a wealthy family and therefore I would never get more.  I behaved in a way to get me just enough money to get buy.  Never more.  I got a paycheck and spent exactly all of it, like clockwork.  I didn't mingle with "rich" people, I didn't do things "rich" people would do.
So, if the theory is that you must believe in abundance to attract abundance, I am sure as hell going to give it a shot.  I think the difficult piece is that you have to actually believe that you are worth it.  That I can have a cleaning lady and buy Victoria's Secret bras.  That I can spend the money on grass-finished beef from Whole Foods.  That I can buy a quality wrist brace to use when I work out- not the cheap one from Long's- an actual gymnast's wrist brace.  The tough part is not just saying it, but feeling it in your heart and in your gut, that yes, you are worth it, life is worth it, and those products are worth the money you are spending.  I believe I am ready for this now.  After a few years of saying that I am worth it, I truly now, believe that I am.  And I don't mind telling all of you that I am.  That my therapy and life coaching services will be worth the money that you will pay me, because it will change your life and you will wonder why you waited so long.  And with the money that I earn from the book that I write, the services I provide, and someday the retreat center that I will run I will get myself regular pedicures and manicures and haircuts and quality gifts for my husband and family.  I will buy plane tickets all over the place to visit people I haven't seen in too long.  I will tithe 10% to the charities, church and organizations of my choice.  I will support the people who are creating quality goods and services so that they can spend that money to pay it forward.
The miracle of it all is, that everything I need to make this happen is all there waiting for me.  Every time I put this theory to the test, it holds true.  The opportunities are always there.  I have to stop shying away from opportunities that present themselves and continue to live in the knowledge that I am valuable and worth it. I am remembering to ask for what I want and need.  I know you may not believe me.  I hope you can begin an experimental journey of your own.  I hope you continue to follow this blog to see what happens.  I'm excited to find out how this all turns out.
What is your experience with abundance?  Do you attract what you want into your life?  Do you know what you want out of life?  Comment below!